here and now
Thanks everyone for the kind words and support. It is a very challenging time for sure in the present, and reliving it here has brought up a lot of the old hurt. But my effort is to do it one last time, get it out of me and into the public record, if only in an anonymous sense, although some here will know me, of me, and our story, albeit from a different perspective.
NewToday – I looked into your story, and it does have some stark reminders for me. “Emotional terrorism” is a good term. I did create deceptions to try and mitigate Cinders emotional episodes, and that’s on me. There were so many other instances throughout our relationship that were like that not related to poly that I can think of where I self-edited or capitulated out of fear of emotional reprisal. I see it as a form of abuse now. Lies are like the strangling weeds that choke out the garden.
FullofLove- I have regrets, and many lessons to learn. But I am who I am and those mistakes were made honestly and without malice. In the tangle of a broken open relationship, things are seldom black and white. I look forward to owning my shit and becoming a better man. My life depends on it. I am working hard to forgive myself, and Cinder. I will, I must forgive, but I will never forget. We are coming up to a more complicated section of our story and there will be more self-examination for sure.
NYCindie – Thanks for your support. Yes it is good to get my experience out there. I hope peeps can take something from these experiences.
Things have been challenging lately. Work has been intense, 6 days a week, which is a lot of construction. I have had some contact with Cinder lately, trying to hammer out the last of our separation agreement. It’s been typical of Cinder to be constantly changing the parameters of our agreements, which is something I have been expecting, but it still hard. Getting ready for a big move into my own place, with basically nothing, I am faced with rebuilding my whole life. I have been missing Cinder and our life together a lot, but it is good to interact with her and be reminded of the reality vs the ideals of her that lives in my head. It’s pretty hard.
Been taking a break from dating these days with so much going on, keeping things on a friendly casual basis. Everyone has been super understanding of my situation and time constraints. It’s been good to be involved with people who are emotionally responsible, a good reminder moving forward.