As part of another thread I started, asking for advice when Amy tried to re-engage after the newest round of breaking up, I wrote this:
I let this week play out, and it's once again over (but this time for real? laughing at that statement, though I actually believe it now).
In the end, someone dealing with divorce and depression and her remarkably ugly past (i.e., the source of the PTSD) is not someone I can deal with in a trusting, honest way. Each conversation revises the past one. Her revisions of the past are monumental - I had to check in with Willa (and Willa with me) on the question of "did this happen? what is she talking about?" We found, too often, that what we were being accused of was exactly what we'd been offering to her (we offered help she turned down, now she says we didn't help her, that kind of thing).
We have (painfully) severed ties. There were a few more conversations, and it became clear that her accusations of our evildoing were protective defensiveness - and now I'm done.
It's shockingly painful. But the person I thought was there was still hiding layers upon layers of contradictory emotion. Poly and nonmonogamy flow through her blood, but not in the way I can engage with, right now.
The only solution is to stop engaging her. And, as important, to stop letting her engage us. Ow, and yay.
Willa: my wife
Amy: someone Willa and I have both been involved with
Ella: a many-years long-distance relationship of mine, that I don't blog about