The weekend went great with me, John, Charles and Holland. I was worried about whether or not John and Charles would be compatible- (only as friends, John is completely heterosexual) because they are total opposites.
John is a Construction/Engineer Project Manager who has financially raised two sons alone and now they are young adults pursuing being a lawyer and a trauma nurse. Now that they are on their way to adulthood, John has the freedom to take a position out of state- which he has done and is making the highest salary of his career which says a lot considering he is about 55. He will be financially independent in 3 to 5 years.
Charles, on the other hand has lost everything 3 times. He’s in a phase of his life now where he has nothing. He hasn’t contributed to the raising of his adult daughter except to pay her cell phone bill for the last year. He’s one of those highly charismatic people and everyone likes him. He is incredibly compassionate and generous. Sometimes I feel inadequate when I observe how caring he is. And……There is something really compelling about a person who has nothing, since they are not attached to physical things and they have a type of freedom. But I don't respect the fact that he hasn't contributed to the financial welfare of his daughter. Respect is something I need to feel for a person that I am intimately involved with for a long term relationship. So- I guess I don't see him as long term.......
I have allowed myself to love Charles, but it’s with the realization that I will eventually have to suffer as I will miss him greatly when he has to “move on” to another place like he does, drifter that he is
. I have realized in my life that following great love, is usually great suffering. This is what I anticipate to happen with me in relation to Charles. But I am not a person who has regrets. I enter each relationship with full awareness and consciousness. I manage my expectations accordingly. It has definitely been worth the amount of emotional energy I have invested so far.
I had my first glimmer of what a V could be like in general. It happened to be with Charles and Holland last week and it was thrilling, but now I do not think I will pursue that with them. They are too co-dependent on one another and individually they do not have the self awareness that I need to feel safe. Although the four of us had the greatest time the weekend! There was no sexual energy about the weekend since it was John’s first time to be around Charles and Holland, we kept everything on a social/friendship level. Except when I got up to go to the bathroom…..I had just taken off my earplugs and the light was filtering in….the two of them with the covers up to their necks, looked at me and smiled these Cheshire cat grins……I had caught them and they were trying to be quiet etc. because of Johnny. But apparently he heard them anyway!!
So, the whole weekend was more fun than I expected. And guess what created a bridge which allowed these two dudes to enjoy one another……….humor. They had an appreciation for each other’s sense of humor and were trying to outdo one another all weekend which kept us laughing the entire time!!!…….aaahhh….laughter, it’s such good medicine for the mind and soul……
Anyway, we talked about another/longer out of town trip in the summer to the beach.
Despite all of that however, I know better than trying to develop a deeper more intimate V or Quad with Charles and Holland. It would be destined for crazy emotional rollercoaster ride which I’m not in the mood for taking right now.
I’ll just let them swirl around in their little comedy/tragedy drama and continue to be completely entertained by them. It’s so much better than a movie!! Life is incredible when you understand your own personal boundaries!! And what also helps is; understanding what you can expect from someone based on what they have shown they are capable of giving and what they are willing to give!!
I know I’m repeating myself, but…….There is a lot to be said for simply adjusting your expectations to something realistic based on the other person or persons capabilities and/or willingness. It eliminates a lot of disappointment.
Maybe I’ll do a future blog on my philosophy on “Eliminating Disappointment from your Life”….it’s all about expectations and adjusting them based on the reality that you can observe.
I know people are reading my blog…..I’ve had 396 hits and I just started it less than a month ago. I’m definitely open to comments public or private!!