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Old 03-29-2014, 02:54 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Honestly, poly is just relationships. There's really no difference, except the number of people involved. Inherently, more people = more hearts = more hurt potential. But the strategies you use to avoid leaving a trail of destruction are 100% identical as you would use with dating in general.

It comes down to being true to yourself, being sincere and honest in how you approach relationships. Communicating your feelings and needs clearly and authentically. Not playing mind games, not manipulating or controlling other people, not avoiding your problems, not expecting other people to solve your problems for you.

Relationships end. It's a reality. If everyone accepts that premise going in, then no one is shocked when it happens. Honestly, how often are people truly blind-sided by a breakup? Usually the writing is on the wall, and it's just a matter of who's going to point out the elephant in the room. The only time people are blind-sided is when the other person has been lying and misrepresenting their emotions, pretending to still be 100% in the relationship when they're really not feeling it.

While people are usually sad when relationships do end, broken hearts tends to come from some kind of betrayal. When everyone expresses their needs, and when people come to realize that their needs may not be compatible, or when the love eventually fizzles out, emotionally healthy people are able to accept it and move on. Emotionally stunted people may struggle more with this, and in that case everyone would be better off if they would learn some coping mechanisms and/or communication skills before getting into any kind of romantic relationship, poly or otherwise.
Thank god I didn't spend time typing out my response. This is exactly what I was going to say...

This is not what I'm after now. I am trying to find out what kind of difficulties people have in transitioning from mono to poly or adding new people and what are the best strategies to avoid anyone from getting hurt in the process. And since I do think that any newbie is bound to get it more or less wrong a couple of times, I'd like to know how those who got it less wrong avoided the more wrong.

I really don't know how to ask this more clearly.

Your thought on honesty and communication are appreciated as good advice on how to get things right in the first place. Thank you. It was nice to read those and see that I did my best, and that my best wasn't that bad at all.
She did in fact give you a clear answer. It isn't any different then monogamy. That is the simple truth. Did you succeed at every date or coupling you had as a monogamous person? Or did you treat it as fun and run with the horses kind of situation until you found people you liked? Not everyone you meet is going to be a long term relationship, most relationships end.. most interpersonal relationships do not transform into romantic ones.

So the truth is, most of us that are succeeding don't avoid the "wrong" we meet new people, we engage, maybe we "date" (depending on what you consider dating) we figure out if we like them, want to fuck them or could possibly be with them long term. Then we simply continue down those paths until we part ways or become something more solid. Throughout the entire courting process we look for red flags (our own personal ones) that we have from experience learned don't work for us. At those stages we decide if we will continue or not. And we take full responsibility for those decisions. The more we learn the more we can filter.

I meet lots of people in my life. And more than a few end up interested in me. I can usually tell within a few minutes whether or not I would want to be involved. I have an internal gauge on the things that I appreciate and red flag. This is learned from all of my "failures".. and sometimes reading on here. I have learned a lot about what I would never want to be involved with because of this site.

However in the end, if you don't want to hurt.. don't get involved with people. Straight up raw truth.

All you can do is respect those you are involved with, and EXPECT to be respected in return. Thats my number one red flag for the record. If someone doesn't respect me.. or my partners, I drop them faster than terminal velocity.

again I will re-iterate.. the above "process" is no different in poly than it is for monogamy.
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