I am following your story with great interest. I love the way you write. It has pulled me in and caught my attention.
So there is light at the end of a very dark time in my life. And love, intimacy, respect, redemption.
When you get to that light, it is the best feeling. I found joy at the end of a very dark tunnel. Nobody can take it away from me because I fought for it. I made some shitty choices, and I walked the path of redemption in order to get the familiarity of love, intimacy, and respect back. The journey has made me a better person.
Regardless of what you did in the past, you cannot undo it or any hurt you caused. You can only go forward and learn from the mistakes. If you have not, forgive yourself for whatever you think you did wrong.
You have been through a lot in the bit that you have shared. I do hope writing is cathartic and a healthy outlet for you. You never know who may take something from your experiences. I hope you are doing well, and I look forward to following your story.