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Old 03-29-2014, 11:08 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by copperhead View Post
Now, back to the original subject of this thread:
Since polyamory is not easy, people new to it are bound to fail and failing means there are people involved. Failing means that people are going to get hurt, I mean you really can't practise poly alone. How to minimize this hurt while practicing? How to make sure that whatever damage gets done, it won't be irreparable. A friend of mine said that she knows constellations that work, but they are built on solid relationships, years (decades) of trust and companionship before opening the relationship to new people. If this is the remedy for succesful poly, then I feel I'm doomed.
Honestly, poly is just relationships. There's really no difference, except the number of people involved. Inherently, more people = more hearts = more hurt potential. But the strategies you use to avoid leaving a trail of destruction are 100% identical as you would use with dating in general.

It comes down to being true to yourself, being sincere and honest in how you approach relationships. Communicating your feelings and needs clearly and authentically. Not playing mind games, not manipulating or controlling other people, not avoiding your problems, not expecting other people to solve your problems for you.

Relationships end. It's a reality. If everyone accepts that premise going in, then no one is shocked when it happens. Honestly, how often are people truly blind-sided by a breakup? Usually the writing is on the wall, and it's just a matter of who's going to point out the elephant in the room. The only time people are blind-sided is when the other person has been lying and misrepresenting their emotions, pretending to still be 100% in the relationship when they're really not feeling it.

While people are usually sad when relationships do end, broken hearts tends to come from some kind of betrayal. When everyone expresses their needs, and when people come to realize that their needs may not be compatible, or when the love eventually fizzles out, emotionally healthy people are able to accept it and move on. Emotionally stunted people may struggle more with this, and in that case everyone would be better off if they would learn some coping mechanisms and/or communication skills before getting into any kind of romantic relationship, poly or otherwise.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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