Marcus, I apologise for my rude response. I was going through some really difficult things (still am), I should have stayed off any threads didn't feel perfectly neutral to me.
I think I understand better now what you mean with jealousy. I wonder if this was a language problem. You are perfectly right that any emotions I have are mine and my responsibility. But it still feels like you have decided that my core problem is jealousy. I, on the other hand, feel that I'm perfectly capable of dealing with my jealousy and insecurities, I have been open about them (to Salamander) and I've coped fine in situations where he has been with another with the possible intention of having sex (and they did, but he didn't tell me this either, despite our agreement that he would). What I wanted to know in the other thread was how to handle the anxiety caused by a new situation, since I wasn't sure how to do that in this situation. As my only working tactic (waiting) wasn't good for the others.
Now, back to the original subject of this thread:
Since polyamory is not easy, people new to it are bound to fail and failing means there are people involved. Failing means that people are going to get hurt, I mean you really can't practise poly alone. How to minimize this hurt while practicing? How to make sure that whatever damage gets done, it won't be irreparable. A friend of mine said that she knows constellations that work, but they are built on solid relationships, years (decades) of trust and companionship before opening the relationship to new people. If this is the remedy for succesful poly, then I feel I'm doomed.
On the other hand, I feel that I still have a chance to do poly if I just decide not to have a primary relationship. For me poly is and has always been mostly about intimate friendship, and I don't really see the point of relationships.
Tell me about your succesful failures. How did you turn things around when things got bad? How did you evade looming disasters and find happiness? How did you struggle to victory?