Originally Posted by redpepper
If her husband doesn't know then "texting" would be the least of my worries. I would be asking him to stop all contact with her entirely. Absolutely under no circumstance would I be okay with my husband engaging in any kind of romantic communication with anyone who is in a relationship with someone that doesn't know their partner is conversing in that way. There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up before anyone moves on to texting another lover.
I do agree with this here to an extent. If her husband doesn't know then this needs to stop. This is not a poly relationship they have. This is a dishonest cheating one. It takes everyone knowing, agreeing, and working together to make a poly relationship. Not just some people but all. And they might not like it but you and them are all contributing to the pain that will eventually happen and the longer this happens and the longer they wait the worse it will be and the higher the level of pain.
As for the cheating itself, I promise I am not talking out my ass here. I was the one being cheated on until my husband finally came clean. It is forgiveable, if that person chooses to do so. But they are entirely in their right not to forgive and to end things and the cheaters will just have to deal with the consequences of their actions. They brought this on themselves. I chose to work with my husband and forgive. His current girlfriend is not the first one he cheated on me with . There have been about three or four others. Many on here have heard my story by now.
But as for being the one cheated on it has taken alot of work. Alot of pain that is still there that I am still working on. I don't know if it will ever really go away. But I don't hold it over his head in fights. That doesn't get anyone anywhere. But they do need to come clean. The husband does deserve some sort of respect and common courtesy. Please don't support their actions for his sake. The pain can be unbearable and almost suicidal at times and the longer the three of you continue this, no matter the part, the worse it will be.
As for your original question. Let's say that the GF's husband accepts this and allows it. My husband had a texting issue. It drove me nuts. But I sat down, we talked to each other and her and we put down some ground rules so that he understands I need my time as well and we both agreed on them. I didn't just say this is the way it is, like it or not. He keeps the weekend texting to a bare minimum. Very few. The weekends is my time and my daughter's time unless he is over at her place. Her husband does know about them.
After 10pm those texts stop every night. That is my time again. That is our time to cuddle and have sex and talk and fall asleep in each others arms. This is a suggestion I got off another page and it has really worked for us. They work together as well. They text all day at work. No one at work knows they are together because their coworkers know they are both married to other people. So they have to be careful there and do everything by text.
But when they come home at the end of the day, even if there is still some texting, he doesn't answer her during meal times or during our conversations. He puts down the phone and gives me attention. If I am busy with stuff or our daughter he is free to talk to her while he works on his stuff. He is not taking time away from me and he knows that.
You are already trying to learn a new way for your marriage. He needs to help you find some comfort level. You will hear this all over the place here but it is the most true piece of advice: COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! You can't survive without this, and that includes bringing the hardest and most painful topics to surface. You won't survive without talking over everything. If you can't even talk about a texting problem, imagine the harder conversations that will fail and eventually hurt you in the end.