Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 03-27-2014, 04:57 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It is different from deciding to have another biological child because legal authorities are involved, poking into your lives and choices and mistakes... getting knocked up involves no one but you and your 2 sets of reproductive organs. This was your worry a few posts back. You didn't think it through, it seems to me.
I thought about it quite thoroughly. What is worrying going to do or change? I was worried because I was unsure of what certain people would say. I omitted a whole damn book in my romantic life. How would it look if brother-in-law dearest mentioned that one ex that we all failed to mention? He did not, but he contemplated doing it. That one ex of 12 years that was an extramarital relationship. Oh that would be smiled upon.

I am confused about the timeline, but it seems to me as if you 2 looked into fostering, then adoption, as soon as you got to Australia. You didn't mention it on this blog until the teenager was already living with you.
I wanted to have another child. I was not willing to get pregnant again a year later. Fostering, surrogacy, and adoption were suggestions to accomplish that. Nothing was set in stone. The only informal decision was to wait until our youngest was older. Preferably school aged; 3-5. I love being a mum, but the last experience put me off of the idea of carrying another baby. I was not sure I could deal with the aftermath if he/she had issues or was born prematurely. None of the conversations with numerous specialists--backing the notion that there was nothing I could have done differently--helped my guilt or sense of failure. One difficult pregnancy was enough for me to say, "I do not trust my body to carry a baby to term." That is why alternatives were considered. I had no intention of fostering or anything when we moved here. The only thing that was agreed upon was not conceiving. My implant is still in and probably will be for the next 2-3 years. Provided it works, I should be in the clear until January 2017 or until I decide to remove it.

I know you've got a nanny and you had a moving company pack, move, unpack and arrange all your belongings. I sure didn't have that, being a person of a less than stellar income. I can also see that you like to keep busy, so you gave up a few hours at work, a few hours a week with a lover, and needed to fill the gap. After all, both your biological babies are in school full time, and have a nanny for when they are home!
I had a company do all the work because if I had to do it, we would have been living out of boxes for months. I would encourage anyone to hire a company. It is not that expensive.

I have a nanny. Big deal. I am not leaving my 8 month old 5k km away while I go on a second honeymoon. William and Kate just did that, and her ass does not have a full-time job. I am tired of defending the decision to have a nanny. I am not superwoman, and I cannot be everywhere at every minute. She is not raising my children. She works M-Thurs. Is she the one comforting my baby when she has nightmares? Is she the one staying up all night with a sick child? Is she the one going on family camping weekends? Kissing "boo-boos?" Reading bedtime stories? Checking under the bed/closet for monsters? Being called mummy? Making cupcakes for the prep class? Attending parent meetings? Planning fundraisers with the PTA? Not at all. She only works on Friday nights, which used to be counselling/date night. Matt and the girls will be gone this weekend, and I am spending the weekend with my son. Thus, the nanny will not be on duty at any point.

You act like I am shirking responsibility and leaving my children with the nanny, so I can go drink Black Orchid martinis, get diamond dust facials, flying to Adelaide for lunch, spending five hours at the salon, working out with a trainer, and hosting some bourgeois, pretentious black tie dinner party to raise money for some equally pretentious cause. It is not a crime for me to work, contribute to my household, and help take care of my family. The Stepford way may be to be the dainty little daffodil housewife, but this is not that kind of party. Having a nanny does not make me any less of a mum than any other woman walking this earth. I am sorry you disagree with my choice to have one.

My youngest is at school from 7:45-4ish; Monday-Thursday. I cannot pick him up every day, Matt does not get off until 5-5:30. So the nanny picks him up. My youngest daughter is in school from 8:15-3:15. We leave home at 7:30. Their nanny takes the oldest. I have to be at work for 8:30. I get off at 3, pick up my daughter, spend maybe 30 minutes of 1-on-1 time with her, and on Wednesday/Friday, she has practise. Wednesday's practise starts at 4:30. Friday's practises start at 4 and 4:35. Due to traffic, we usually leave right after she gets out of school. The oldest gets out at a different time every day. Wednesday is the only set day, and it ends at 1:35. Matt picks her up, and they have lunch. If she does not have club meetings or co-curricular practises, she goes every day at 8:20. She gets out at: 3:15 on Mon/Thurs and 3:10 on Tues/Fri. Their nanny or Matt usually pick her up. If I have to drive 35 minutes to get my daughter to practise, picking up the oldest means she would be late every practise.

When we get home between 5:30-6:30, it is time to prepare dinner, do homework, and spend time with my little guy while dinner is on. By 7:00-8:00, we are sitting down and eating dinner as a family. We do not start the bedtime routine until 9:30-10. Prior to that, usually I am spending time with 1-3, helping the oldest with a project/homework, watching Bananas in Pyjamas or some other annoying show, or watching a movie (Monday's). After the little ones are in bed, I take some time to myself, take a bubble bath, catch up on e-mails, read the forum, etc. No matter what, there is always an hour or two of time with Matt. Last night, I went out for drinks, so our time was pushed back but still happened. He just went to bed about 30 minutes ago.

So there is no gap. I am in mummy mode from 3-10:30 or so. Where would a relationship fit? The nanny's day has long been over by that point. I want to spend time with my husband. My argument is there was never any time or room for a relationship. I was a part-time wife and mum in pursuit of that godforsaken other relationship. Stupid choice on all accounts.

If I am busy, it is strictly because of my family. Do I have outside interests? Yes, when I have time. Everyone should have an identity outside of being a parent and/or partner. That is not all I am, and if that is frowned upon, oh well.

I don't know if money can cover the sketchiness of you having had a 2nd partner who aided and abetted you in causing havoc in your family. I hope it works out with the adoption authorities so your children aren't hurt again by losing their new big sister.
I am tired of living in the shadow of my mistakes. At some point, a new day has to come. Newsflash to anyone who reads this: I fucked up and made questionable choices. At the end of the day, I am human and imperfect. Sue the hell out of me for having shitty judgement and allowing some very screwed up sense of loyalty to cause the damage that it did. Shame on me. I cannot change the past and constantly reminding me of my epic failures will not change anything. I have punished myself enough. I live with constant reminders.
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