Third times the charm
Cinder ended up breaking it off with the married man who had no time for her and starting up with another fella she met while we were at a poly meet up with Lily. He kept staring at us/her the whole night, and as he left she ran out to give him her number. She was always taking the lead in that way, doing what she felt was right for her. I guess she felt entitled to pursue another guy as she felt my relationship with Lily entitled her to also have independent relationships. I considered us as “open” so felt like if that was what she wanted then I was able to finding my own girlfriend. But like all things that was not the case. I wanted my own profile on OKC, and the ability to choose a suitable secondary, but of course that came with all kinds of processing of uncomfortable emotions from her end of things. It kind of sucked being non possessive and not a jealous person by nature to be partnered up with someone so very insecure and controlling. It meant that I would never have the freedoms I could happily grant my partner, and I had difficulty letting go of my resentment. She played the “uncomfortable emotion” card so much it was difficult to be excited about meeting new people, as I didn’t want to subject others to this kind of drama and top heavy processing that my relationship dictated.
So I was in a tight place. Cinder was pursuing relations with Lily and the new guy, and I was left to have a non-connected casual thing with Lily. It didn’t sit well with me. I kind of withdrew and let her have her fun, feeling a little bit burnt from what had transpired with Raven. Cinder could sense (we also talked about it) my unhappiness, and suggested a solution. Why don’t I have Raven for just my secondary?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Yes, Cinder just floated out there that I should consider Raven as my girlfriend. We already had the chemistry, the connection, and from her perspective, Raven was again the known entity. I had broken up with her twice for Cinder, and now she was dangling her in my face again. WTF? At first I said no, no way. I was not going to put us through that again, any of us. But Cinder has a charismatic way, and convinced me that things could be different this time. And like a fool I believed her. What would Raven say? Turns out (again) that her and Cinder had been in touch, and had discussed the possibility. Raven loves me, and wanted a chance to be in my life, without Cinder in a Triad. It took some persuading, but eventually it looked like this was going to happen, Raven and I talked on the phone, contact rules were lifted and shifted. Was this what she wanted? Seems like she was willing to try. And Cinder? She promised me that things would be different this time…. We’ll see. I knew there was a high probability of disaster, but I liked Raven and our connection, and saw the potential in it. It should be fun right? Why we do this? To bring more fun and sex and love into our lives? It was never a merry-go-round of people collecting for me. I have a hard time making connections and then just dumping people at the first sign of trouble. I hated the idea that someone could veto another. I struggled with the hierarchy. I had to think a lot about this, was it worth it?
Cinder assured me all was good. We had a pretty good communication going after 5 ½ years together. We went over all our concerns, and re-affirmed our commitment to each other. With good dialogue and processing we could make anything work right? In the back of my mind I knew it was a bad idea, but somehow convinced myself that yes, this time could be different. I knew that Cinder was at times unstable and prone to mood shifts, but thought things could be different this time.