View Single Post
Old 03-24-2014, 08:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,917

It seems harsh to say no when he has tried hard to get it right.
Seems "harsh" to WHO? You? Him?

He is not worried about top space exactly, part of the reason he wants me there is because he is afraid of being too unfeeling and not being able to deal with what happens afterwards (sub drop etc).
So... could get a chaperone/safeword person in there that is not you supplied by him and/or the playmate.

Then BOTH your needs can be met.
  • Your need to not be there
  • His need for safety person present

He is also worried about the new woman (J) being too needy/clingy.
Too needy or cling for WHO? Him?

If him...
  • Then he could not go there at all.
  • He could go there for one scene and bow out after if it isn't his cup of tea after all/they are not compatible.

Up to him to make his choices.

if he wants this he needs to cope with all that it entails (it would just be easier for him to rely on me).
Yup. Caregiving is HELPING, not DO IT FOR YOU-ing. If you do that it becomes taking on his cares (caretaking.) That's not healthy for YOU. Great for him, maybe, but that's the path to caregiver burn out.

You can help him make out his plan and think things out if he asks for help. Or you can offer if you see him struggling. But do not relieve him of doing all his own thinking -- encourage him to think it out and see how he does first. Don't leap in to solve to rescue.

He said that having me there would make it more exciting for him and I think he is being honest with me about that.
Sure. That's his POV / preference.
I just don't want it.
And that is your limit, so you could state it firmly, and he could respect it.

So what you were hearing was me arguing with myself, wanting to say no but feeling 'obliged' to say yes (partly because he asked nicely and partly because it is easier to just be there as an 'enabler' than to help him to pick up the pieces afterwards.
I do eldercare -- and I know it's not the same as Asperger's. But I go for long term health (MINE and the patient) even if it is a PITA in the moment.

Because I know sometimes it can feel easier to "just get it over with" to gain in the short term, but that is enabling in the long term. Me doing that really doesn't help the patient stay self sufficient as long as possible because I deny the patient opportunity/challenges.

It also dings my own health if I let myself get sucked in past healthy boundaries over and over -- always on "alert" and never chill is very stressy.

There has to be a healthy balance there.

I have decided to say no about being there, however if C agrees to it happening I will help him to plan it (if he wants my help) and talk it through with him so that he feels as safe and confident as possible.
That's reasonable. HELP him, not do it FOR him. He has to want your help, ask you for it, and THEN you help. You just don't swoop in and do it all for him so he doesn't even have to ask.

Hang in there!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-24-2014 at 08:46 PM.
Reply With Quote