I think me being there is also partly about keeping him safe and reminding the new woman (J) that he is attached (she doesn't need reminding).
So you think he wants you around to be his safeword person because he's worried about getting caught up in topspace with a new playmate he's not played with before and you don't want to serve in that capacity? Have you asked him
if this is what he is after?
Could he call one of his other playmates to serve in that role? Be his safeword/chaperone person? SHE could bring one of her safeword/playmates that know her well/chaperone type persons too. Or they could agree to play out a few mild scenes in a public play space to build up trust and get to know each other in that context before having a private scene. There's other ways to meet the need for "feel safe enough to scene" without you being there.
Maybe there is also something in his head that makes him feel that C will feel better about it if I am there to ensure that he doesn't cross any boundaries.
You think he thinks he wants you to be playing referee in the (Him + C) relationship?
A polyship is made up of all the other mini relationships within it, but in that tier of it? They can deal with it. If you have asked him
and he confirmed this is what he's thinking... you could suggest he ask C herself what she needs to feel good about boundary keeping -- you aren't "the enforcer" or the "security blanket" for either of them.
My view is that none of those reasons are valid, if he wants this encounter fair enough but if he doesn't trust her or himself or if he is worried about his relationship with C then he shouldn't get involved.
I think safety is a good reason, but again that could be met without YOU being the safeword/chaperone person.
It isn't really my responsibility to meet any of those needs.
Yup. You can opt out. Your "willing and able" to participate in things belongs to YOU. And if you find you are not willing you can opt out.
I could guess wrong... but this chunk below sounds like you bargaining with you to give yourself permission to say "No" and feel ok with it by putting the onus on HIM rather than you owning your "No."
- NO -- because YOU did not show enough consideration for me or playmate. If you had, then I would have come.
- NO -- I am not willing to come.
That's 2 different kinds of "no."
If he just wants me to watch because it would make him feel good in some way i wouldn't really mind doing it, but I don't think he has thought clearly about my needs/feelings or about how J (the new woman) may feel.
Have you asked him
if he wants you to come watch because it makes him feel good in some way?
What does this chunk mean? He has to demonstrate this first:
he has thought clearly about my needs/feelings or about how J (the new woman) may feel. (in what way? and how would you both know it and measure it?)
and then you will provide this:
I will go watch to help him feel good. That changes your willingness to attend? Or you still are not really willing to go but you go anyway against your willingness?
Could you please be willing to clarify?
If you ask and he verifies that he's concerned about losing himself to topspace with a new playmate or not picking up her cues well, that's considering how she may feel. Nobody
wants to end up in a scene gone wrong. Could you specify what other
behavior you want from him that would demonstrate (consideration for how she feels or might feel) to you? Is he aware this is the behavior you want?
In your case, he's asked you, given you time to think about it, and is willing to accept your decision. What other behavior would you like from him that demonstrates (consideration for how you feel or might feel) to you? Is he aware this is the behavior you want?
I could totally guess wrong there. But I'm still hearing "No, I don't want to go. Thanks for asking nicely -- I did like that!" And the rest sounds like you struggling to say "No" and own
And preparing yourself for watching possible disappointment in him that you don't want to see/like watching because you don't like disappointing people.
It's ok to let other people digest their own feelings
-- you are not responsible for their feelings.
Is that where this is?
You mentioned elsewhere
that your spouse has Asperger. Perhaps in some ways you end up doing some caregiving for him, but caregiving is not careTAKING. Where you take on all his cares and all his problems he gets himself into and you have to solve it.