Originally Posted by Morningglory629
I very much understand and feel the same. This is actually the way I "broke" this to my husband. He is mono. I am poly. I probably have always been because I have always had lots of men in my life...friends, lovers, a spouse. For the most part I have continued some form of a friendship with my past lovers...because I still love them. That never goes away. It just isn't sexual. My relationships always overlapped. They usually lasted a year or two or three as monogamous because the sexual relationships in the past have for the most part been with people I truly loved as friends...not very many casual or one night stands. It was always difficult for me to end these relationships because I still loved them, I just happened to have fallen in love with another too. Being in a poly situation wasn't the right thing to do (at the time). So sadly those loving relationships stopped growing. Anyway to make a long story short. I have been married for 18 years, and with my husband(AP) for 20. Although I never had an outside intimate relationship with anyone since my marriage, recently that has changed. My current lover (PP)showed me that this is possible. He is a poly and married to a mono. It has been a strange thing to transition into and I am not really good at taking things slowly. I am learning to be in a new relationship without having all the usual freedoms of getting to know someone in his entirety because of boundaries put up by our mono spouses. I know it is a process but I need help. How do you reign the love in when all you want to do is push forward? My husband has been really understanding of the fact that this is what I need but has made it implicitly clear he is not interested in a polylifestyle himself, nor does he want to know my lover. These are the boundaries I need to work through because I am not built that way. I am very close with my family and friends. I don't know how to not have this all co-mingled. My love for PP grew over a couple of years of friendship. Once we decided to take it to a sexual relationship we fell in love quickly and intensely. A lot of passion and I have never trusted anyone so much, not even my husband. Whatever happens in the future, I know I want both of these men in my life as lovers and life partners. Where the hell do I start making this normal for everyone else?
"think that where it feels unfair is a mono person expects that they can ask for the other person to behave the way they feel most comfortable behaving:
but really none of us have the right to do this to another person.
We DO have the right to choose friends/lovers who have the same ideals as us, but people learn about themselves as they live and so they also change and they may no longer have those same ideals as us as time goes on."