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Old 03-23-2014, 04:21 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Wow, so many answers to this. Lets see. I think I covered in an earlier post what tenK said about not pathologizing. And that is, really, a good point.

I haven't really had the experience of others using aspergers as an explanation for my behaviour like london has. Maybe because I haven't talked about the possibility of having aspergers syndrome with that many people. I feel like I need to see the diagnosis first (assuming I'll get one), before using it as an explanation. But now that I've been going through this process for so long and it's almost over I find that I'm more comfortable givin it as an explanation for things. It certainly seems to explain a lot of my problems.

Kernow: thank you for your post. It was really helpful. Although it seems that I have quite different problems than your husband does. I have been motivated to work on my communication skills for so many years that I think I've turned a weakness into a strength (which really helps now).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
He is the one who really wanted the poly relationship yet he was very scared by it and there have been times when he needed to go painfully slowly, partly because he is not good at change, but I think mostly because he was terrified of messing up and losing one or both of us.
This sort of applies to me, except for the losing part. I entered this relationship thinkinh poly is what I want and what works for me. I was also aware that I need to take things slowly and tried to communicate this. It has just come as a surprise that I need things to happen this slowly. Twice I've had a chance to move forward with someone during my relationship with Salamander and twice I've hit the brakes, because I felt it was too much new at once. So it's not just taht I need him to take things slowly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
there are times when I feel able to push him a bit to deal with the emotional stuff and there are other times when I know that I have to let him work things out in his own way and his own time.
How do you know one from the other? Has he explained the difference to you or did you pick it up from past experience? I'm trying to build a communication toolbox for us. Maybe you have some tips that could work for us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
We care about him, the Aspergers is part of who he is and why we love him. He puts up with our peculiarities and odd little ways so why on earth should we think less of him because he has Aspergers.
I really like that you said this. It somehow makes me feel better. It feels good to know someone is that lucky and has that kind of love Salamander is the first one that really make me feel like this, so the old fears creep up from time to time.

Onto your other post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
It has been hard at times. Even the simple rules that we have are hard for him to deal with. The total honesty thing is something that he finds difficult, partly I think because being honest involves having to talk about needs and feelings and partly because he has to make judgements about what total honesty actually means.
This sounds so familiar. I feel like every aggreement we make leads to a discussion of what does this actually mean now, what did we aggree on. And then we aggree on what we aggreed and then have to aggree on that one too… because there's always loopholes and things left out or misunderstandings or whatever. It seems like it never ends. And it is my fault. Because I need to have everything spelled out exactly. And in communication that is impossible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
I think the hardest things for me and C are trying to cope with the unspoken things that are going on in his head. He can be quite 'fixed' about certain things which are completely irrational. If C doesn't answer the phone he convinces himself that she is seeing someone else, his rational mind knows that is ridiculous and insulting, but he can't quite let go of that thought. It sounds mad but I think he has his own unspoken set of rules in his head and occasionally he will get into a massive strop leaving us completely lost as to why he has reacted in that way.
And this too sounds so familiar. I don't expect to make rules for us, but it's hard, because I have so many rules for everything in life. This is how I keep chaos at bay. And here's a situation that to me is chaotic and I can't use my rules to help me deal with it, because it involves other people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
Earlier in the relationship there were times that we tried things but after one trial we had to stop because he wasn't comfortable. In some cases it took a very long time for him to want to try again, but it was worth waiting because those things feel completely natural and normal now.
I hope to get there soon. And I so want it to be worth all this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Could it be helpful to articulate your wants, needs, and limits? Focus more on behaviors you would like from your poly people rather than spend too much time on feelings?
I am trying. It's really hard to do so without starting to make rules. Today we talked over the internet about the prcticalities of Salamander and Sunflower sleeping in the same bed (no sex). How would I feel about it etc. I started to think about the practicalities, and it seems that there are so many things to think about (if your brain works like mine), so many details to think in advance so they wouldn't be new. I pushed myself pretty close to another meltdown all by myself by thinking about it all. He asked if I want them to give up, and I don't. It just seems unfair to them to have to wait untill I deal with things. I've said that it's up to them to decide if they can wait. I don't want to be responsible for that decision.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
A meltdown, in my private dictionary, is an event in which the entire world seems to be melting down around you…
Thank you for this description. I think I'll show it to Salamander. He said he needs to read more about these things. It's not exactly how I experience it, but close enough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
It took about 25 years to arrive at the regimen of meds I rely on today, and it took several years to arrive at the life and mindset that allow me to feel comfortable in my poly household.
Medication? I thought there isn't much medication can do to aspie problems. I've thought about something for anxiety, maybe it would help with this transition as well. Although I'd like to see what the doctors say about the diagnosis first. And I've also heard that the meds don't work that well on aspies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I had to learn, a little at a time, that I could trust the people I trusted -- and that I could even trust myself.
This is hard with so many bad experiences that I need to watch out even for myself to not cross my boundaries.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I guess ultimately you just learn how to cope by using trial and error. If something triggers you, then you know you pushed yourself too hard that time and you need to ease off a little. If you feel pretty comfortable, then you might be ready to push yourself with a bit of newness. Don't try to make a math problem out of it, trust yourself enough to read and respect your own emotions. Enough to say, "I can tell I'm pushing myself too hard," or, "I can tell I could push myself a little harder."
Funny you should mention maths problems, as that's exactly what I tend to do (don't really need to try). Trial and error means a roller coaster ride for us all then. Let's hope we can take it.

Edit. Oh! And the party went really well! I haven't had that much fun with people in ages. Didn't really feel like withdrawing to a dark and quiet place to be alone until the very end
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