Need 2 Talk MORE
I find myself reaching out naturally to J lately. There is no one here to feel guilty about it toward. There's no need to temper it.
I want to have a H2H with him about HIS OWN absolute needs (if he knows them) in a committed relationship.
He has made it known to me that his door is open, literally and figuratively, and inferred that if I chose to try it again with him, he was more than willing. My attraction to and feelings for him have caused this to creep into my mind and daydreams recently.
I slept with him about a month ago. It was shortly after I told Z I was moving for a while. We were off, and things were back-and-forth blazing and cool; slicing and tender; hard, fast, backhanded verbal swings intended to cut and then tears on both ends the next minute. It sucked. But that's how he handles things like this. He said he needed space and we could be friends, but he needed some time to himself to adjust. He said this verbally, and then his actions proved it over the next couple weeks. He was done with me sexually, he needed to get his head right for when things would change so much because of the geographical distance between us. He even told me (albeit sarcastically, I'm sure) to "go get your J on". (No, I didn't EVEN take it at face value. I know him better. Besides, it's not like I was waiting on that verbal permission.) What I think DID change my mind about NOT sleeping with J was Z's changed ways, words, and attitude for two weeks. He was showing me that he was done with us as sexual partners.
Then one evening I went out and had drinks with J. We actually loosened up and had a lot of silly fun together just drinking & talking. He got a little silly, which I don't see happen much. I stayed pretty together that night, but by the end of the night, my hormones and body were raging for him. He dropped me off at my place around midnight (I had to work in the morning and my mind still was not completely changed about keeping away from him sexually; it still felt a little like betraying Z), and gave me a short, sweet kiss; but I moved into it with all of me, and it turned into a deep, wet mouthfuck. It had been a long, long time between the two of us, and I wanted to strip naked with him and go at it slow with him all night until we slept, but I just was not. all. in. I'm glad I didn't then, but I did it several nights later - because I WAS all in and sure of it. And it wasn't a hallelujah chorus for either of us (lol) physically, but the phrase on both of our tongues after that was something about having "come full circle"; and that summed it up. It felt right, good, sweet, natural, and overdue.
Of course Z changed his mind about the sex between us a week or so after that, and while I faltered initially when he asked me if I'd been with someone else, I had to stop him a minute later to tell him, yeah, I'd been with J. And of course, he did a complete 180. Withdrawal, cold shoulder, so strange. (not really. i wasn't surprised.) So sad. I hurt so much. I left his place, went home, and cried my fucking self to sleep, then awake the next morning.
(You can't act like you're fucking done with me and then want sex with me weeks later but shut me out when I tell you I've done something I've told you I wanted and tried to discuss with you for three years now but stopped myself from doing for the sake of maintaining US, our bond, our relationship. You can't say the words "go do it" in sincerity a year ago, in sarcasm three weeks ago, and then get all twisted up and treat me like a lying whore when you show me you're done with me and then I go and do it. And you can't tell me that one night of a very sweet, peaceful, healing, overdue intimacy and connection with someone I care about, even if you don't, nulls and voids everything between you and I from beginning to end.)
Christ, that sucked. It took days, a week, of cyclical anger, shame, self- and other-flagellation (verbally), and ALL THAT NASTY SHIT (turmoil) for us both to reach understanding and a peaceful place with that. Even then, I had thought maybe it would happen again before I moved, but I couldn't handle even the thought of that kind of mess happening between me and Z again for the time being. I just laid low and cooled my jets. At some point J and I will talk about that if it needs to be talked about.
For now, THAT'S the kind of mess I don't want to engage in. I have ZERO desire to get intertwined with anybody new at this point, hands down. I'm content to be looking at it and thinking it over from a good distance.
But still - thoughts & feelings.... What to do next? Probably wait a month before I do ANYTHING. Seems smart.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - MLKJ