Feeling the need to talk, write, get some stuff out.
There's one human in the world, *sometimes* two, whom I can talk to about this kind of stuff at this point in my life. I just don't come from a place/culture/family/background/etc where it's okay for this stuff to exist and be happening, much less for ME to be thinking about it, having feelings concerning it, or be participating in any way.
So...I'm writing here. To you guys. Anyone here who will read and maybe respond...I'd ask for a little feedback. Questions, criticism, encouragement, analysis...anything. Please & thanks in advance.
I'm about 3 states away from home. It's been a week since I moved. The changeup from EVERYTHING has been really good to me so far. I'm a pretty creative type who needs lots of space and solitude for thinking, piddling, working on my projects. I process a lot by myself. I don't really have a difficult time making friends, and I went out last night to hear a slick little jazz trio and made some very jolly acquaintances whom I'll probably see there again in the upcoming weeks. Maybe some professional connections. As usually happens, I caught a good word and a sound byte or two that told me I was in the right place at the right time, doing pretty much what I need to be doing. I looked pretty good, felt good, and I have more composure and self-assurance and -containment than I did when I moved to a brand new place a couple of times in my twenties. (Thank the gods for 30...the only way I'd go back to my 20's is if I could go with all the knowledge/experience I have now.) Anyway, I enjoy going out by myself to somewhere I can observe, mingle, and meet a few people now. But I reserve enough of who I am until I know someone pretty well now. I don't just throw it all out there up front; I'm not particularly gregarious like that (unless onstage at times, and then it's for performance).
Anyway...I had fun last night. This place has potential for me, and I like that idea. I could get a couple of gigs here and stay; I have some ideas that could work.
Life Happens. I'll be here a few months minimum, and who knows which way the compass' needle will point at that time. I'm not particularly worried about it.
But staying was never my intent.
I chose this place for a set time specifically because it's always spoken to my soul; it's always been a place of deep resonance and restoration for me. I came here to retreat, rest, recharge, sort some things out for myself, drop some baggage, spend a LOT of my time working on a couple of skills in particular that I've decided to try and master for my own use (it'll take years, but busting my ass on them for 6-8 hrs a day goes a long way toward paving that foundation), and just generally get away. Leave everything at home, at home, and see what does or doesn't grow without my constant influence, presence, etc. See what comes out in the wash. See what remains and what doesn't; what fades and what, if anything, gets stronger. I'm talking about relationships, personal and professional.
There are some I'm absolutely sure of; they will remain, and time and distance can't chip away at their fabric one bit. They are mostly platonic, and a few are very intimate (tho not sexual) as well.
But I'm finding that I don't really want to let everything I left at home alone without my influence; without my...reassurance? Nudging?
For the past few years I've spent so much of my time with Z, mentally/emotionally circling about my relationship with Z, my feelings for Z, his for me, mentally listing the pros & cons of possibly committing to a long-term relationship with him, *pushing*/*nudging* myself toward that emotionally and psychologically...enough of my time was taken up with this that it's been work. There's been as much stress, tension, confusion, and difficulty inside me regarding him and our relationship as there have been good times, doubt-free times, assurance of our connection, downright fun - all the things that HAVE to be there in order to even WANT a relationship with someone.
And it all stems from the fact that I currently also want to be with other people. Namely, my ex - J.
And WHY do I want to be with him, or anyone else?
A few reasons, I think:
1 - I know well and trust them both
2 - I find in myself for J the romantic attraction that I don't have (or have much of) for/with Z
3 - I enjoy some variety, and the differences in my connections/relationships with each of them cover a LOT of the spectrum of my own needs and wants in relationships.
The third is to say that, if both J and Z were cool with having a V-type-thing (independently of each other or together), I wouldn't see myself going or looking anywhere else any time soon.
Alas, that's just an "if", and a BIG one.
Upon last polling, Z was not, and J was pretty much "okay, but I don't want to hear much about it; only what I need to know."
So here I be.
And it's okay. I think I tend to get (or sound) a little dramatic sometimes. Sometimes my little world feels HUGE and full, and sometimes it feels like it's about to end.
Since I've been here, it's been pretty even-keel. I have some down moments and I miss a few people; the couple times I've come home later at night to an empty house and bed I've felt some really lonely pangs; but I have a lot of strong, sure, and even up moments. I know I'm in the right spot right now, doing the best thing/s for me.
So - back to things I don't want to leave alone, even when I thought I should/would.
It was such a sore spot with Z for me to talk to J much, via text or anything else. Both J and I wanted to have a deeper relationship than we'd had since Z and I got together, but it was a dealbreaker for Z, so I chose to keep it to the minimum with J that I felt I could. Even then, I pushed Z to stretch that boundary. (I think I should not have. I feel badly for doing it now.)
Since I've been here, J and I have texted just a little nearly every day, sending little happinesses and a word of love and care here and there. Little reminders. We have a made-up word between the two of us that serves as an icon for the essence of our feelings for each other; it's also a pet name with a tinge of possessiveness in it; we use that from time to time, sometimes texting only that. It feels very good to send and receive that on my phone from time to time.
Z and I have texted most days too, throughout the day. I can feel some withdrawal and change of tone on his part, and while it's okay and I respect it, I'm also a little awkward with it. Though he's not mean or harsh, he's gotten some of his old edge back, the edge I feel/hear on him when we've backed off our closeness & intimacy for a while in days past, days or weeks. It's not an impenetrable edge, but it makes me feel shut out (that's part of its purpose; it's part of his own routine of self-containment and -assurance), and in times past I've been afraid of it and have tried to get under or around it, whether or not that's really where I wanted to be. I just didn't want to feel shut out by him, or so far from his center. It's been somewhat selfish of me; not wanting to deal with him needing the space to deal with his own feelings (which was usually a reaction to me pushing him away to do the same, or moving closer emotionally or physically to J).
Before I left home, we both exchanged sentiments of feelings of "I'll never give up on the best of us". We agreed that for all intents and purposes, we were not together, and he told me that he doesn't and can't do LD. I concurred, as I wanted to let go, and wanted space and (self-)permission to reach out, make connections, stretch, hit it off with someone, get crazy, do whatever I felt.
But now I'm not even sure if I meant it, or what I meant by "I don't do LD either." It's only been a week, like I said. I know I'll give it time and allow myself to meet people, and who knows. I may meet someone/s I want to spend more time around, enough to feel warmth or create sparks.
But right now I feel like maybe I have chosen my solitude *in part* to incubate and examine, WITHOUT GUILT, what has existed in me for a long time - my feelings and desire for J.
I've said for a long time that I didn't want to be married. The longer I live, the less I think I should use such a blanket statement, and the less I think i meant it that way whenever I said (or thought) it. For a few years now I've thought more along the lines of: I don't want a traditional, strictly-monogamous, no-room-for-possibility, tandem ox-yoke of a marriage. But no one really wants that, do they??
I wish I could walk more lightly through this world of people and connections and relationships. Plenty that I feel/take SO SERIOUSLY really isn't so life-and-death. I just treat it like it is sometimes...often because someone else is taking it so seriously!
There is something about the way that J and I connect and relate...that keeps me coming back, looking in that direction, hanging on. Even when I don't realize that's what I'm doing.