While the feelings themselves may be unique, saying things like "best" or "most" or whatever imply levels, and levels imply that one is above another.
Something else just occurred to me. The idea of her thinking about and missing spending romantic time with another partner bugs me. Like she's dividing her attention, even when she's not around. Like right now she's in class, having to deal with a guy who broke her heart, who she still loves very dearly. She won't be talking to him or anything, but will be thinking about how much she misses him. If he weren't in the picture, she would be thinking about how much she misses me. I'm thinking about how much I miss her, and it used to give me great comfort to know she was thinking the same toward me at any given point through the day. Now I don't have that to fall back on, and I am feeling very uncomfortable right now, sitting here at work thinking about her, knowing she's not thinking about me.
To the point of the original question here: I sometimes feel like she didn't have to make any change to her core being in order to be okay with me being mono, but I have to make a change to my core being to be okay with her being poly. It would be fair if both people had to make a change. Or maybe it would be fair if some poly people would stay mono for the sake of their mono partner's happiness, while some mono people made a change and were okay with their poly partners taking other lovers; then both sides would be making sacrifices for one another. Because sometimes I feel like I love her more than she loves me, because I'm the one going through all the introspection and change in order to find a way to not care about what she does so she can be happy, but she's already okay with the situation as long as I don't object. Because she doesn't have to do anything to be okay with what I do. If I take another lover or not, it's of no consequence to her, as long as I make a huge change to myself so I'm okay with her having other lovers.
I only feel this way sometimes. When I'm in an emotional valley. Like right now.
Basically, my original point is that is really seems like the mono person in a poly relationship gets the kind of "I'm poly. Take me or leave me." speech. Because what poly person would stay in a relationship with somebody who's mono, if that mono person was miserable and/or possessive and/or jealous all the time? Can any poly person honestly say they wouldn't think about ending a relationship over that? That's where I see the imbalance. The mono person has to change and be okay with their SO being poly and with getting less attention, while the poly person gets to get more attention, more love, more sex, and pay attention to other people. I highly doubt a poly person would have a problem with a mono person only staying with them and not seeking other lovers as well. That would be unfair, too. I don't know, the whole situation sometimes seems one-sided. Like the mono in a m/p relationship gets shafted repeatedly the whole time, and the poly person doesn't have to worry about anything. That's what it seems like.
Last edited by SimpleSimian; 04-12-2010 at 01:44 PM.