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Old 03-21-2014, 07:03 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 49

I just saw your thread. I'm not sure if I can answer your specific questions but as I am in a poly relationship with an Aspie partner (my husband) I thought it may help to share our experience.

My husband R and I have been together for 10 years and he has had a relationship with C for 4 years. He is the one who is more hard wired to poly, I intended to accept his poly identity rather than to become involved in any way myself. However things have worked our very differently and I am very happy if somewhat surprised by our arrangement.

He is the one who really wanted the poly relationship yet he was very scared by it and there have been times when he needed to go painfully slowly, partly because he is not good at change, but I think mostly because he was terrified of messing up and losing one or both of us. He is not a great communicator especially when it comes to stuff about emotions and relationships, there are times when I feel able to push him a bit to deal with the emotional stuff and there are other times when I know that I have to let him work things out in his own way and his own time.

There have been other times when he is the one who has rushed us into things that we hadn't really discussed or agreed beforehand. I think it works because C and I are very close, we talk daily, we both love him and he is happy for us to talk things through without him as long as we don't expect him to deal with too many discussions about 'feelings' and about what we are or are not comfortable with.

C is less resilient than me and less used to Aspergers (I have a family member with Aspergers) so there have been times when she has relied on me to help her understand his moods and reactions. We still have to deal with upsets and meltdowns and there are times when he gets things horribly wrong, but that is not such a big deal. We care about him, the Aspergers is part of who he is and why we love him. He puts up with our peculiarities and odd little ways so why on earth should we think less of him because he has Aspergers.

We don't have many rules. Just that we will be honest and open with each other, and that we will be safe. There are no rules for poly relationships except the ones that you make between yourselves, so there is no right and wrong way to do things. Never feel guilty for being honest about your needs, good poly relationships depend on honesty and give and take, we all struggle sometimes.
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