It seems that the biggest issue for me in poly is that it is new to me. I'm ok with so many things if I have time to prepare myself for it (I even imagined Salamander having sex with another woman, he was dating, and it turned me on… There is someone I love, and I'm happy for his marriage and that he has a really awesome wife). But this now… it all happened so fast that I freaked out.
So it's "speed" for the main part? Not directly the Asperger's but that with Asperger's you would appreciate and would want more of a heads up/some time to digest first? So you can better weather change and avoid having meltdowns or minimize having them?
That's not unreasonable to ask, but it could be easier for each of them to do if you could pinpoint the triggers.
I feel it is unfair to ask Salamander and Sunflower to take things slowly
Could stop evaluating what is "fair" and "not fair" for them. Let them decide and speak for themselves. You already asked for a time out and they gave it. You seem to be asking now for a time to talk and sort out more specifics.
Your side of it is to ASK. So you could ASK. They each cannot mind reader you.
Each one can speak for themselves after hearing your requests.
- "Yes, I am willing to meet your request at this time."
- "No, I am not willing to met your request at this time."
Then you ALL can know what lines up right now and what does not line up and proceed from a place of full information. Finding data out is part of trying to negotiate.
Could get ON with finding out what is doable/not doable with each individual at this point in time rather than not do this work because you are feeling timid about asking to even get the ball rolling.
Maybe it is more helpful in discussion to be specific: "Could you be willing to do ____ behavior for the next ___ weeks?" rather than general "slow down." Because what "slow down" means to you might mean something else to someone else and if you do not clarify that could end in misunderstandings.
Maybe it helps to read these together and discuss the page 5 & 6 things
you might want to help with jealousy. Or more jealousy.
Or how to handle poly hell.
Because "Could you be willing to slow down long enough to read these articles together?" is also a measurable, doable thing.
Try to frame your requests for "slowing down" so the request lists behavior you would like to see. Then ask if they are willing to do it or not at this time.