oh yeah - guess I could explain a little better:
Z was NOT into me being sexually intimate with J. he's said this on several occasions. but me, still wanting to be with Z in ways AND wanting similar time with J, I kept pushing a little here and there. it's like I don't know how NOT to - I want relationships with them both, and I want to be MORE than "just" friends.
two or three times over the past couple of years, Z would say something to me that MEANT, TO ME, "you can go be intimate with other people, including J, and I will not withdraw from you."
well, to his mind, what he SAID/MEANT was, "you can go do what you want to do with whomever, but I reserve the option to withdraw and opt out of OUR sexual/intimate relationship," and that's exactly what he would do. NOT what I heard.
exact details and words escape me right now because I've been OVER AND OVER them all with myself in my head SO MANY TIMES (so not healthy). but that's the gist of it.
I love Z, and I love sharing many things/times with him, but our relationship doesn't meet all my needs. I finally narrowed it down, I think, to a lack of romantic attraction to him (don't ask me to define that right now; I'll do that later). He's handsome, intelligent, well-read, well-spoken, an awesome cook, a great helper, a natural leader, can be very sweet, can be compassionate; we've had some of the most TENDER times together. there have been several times - sometimes lasting a day, sometimes two weeks - when I've had to re-examine what I just said about feeling a lack of romantic attraction; times when I thought, OMG...I could marry this man. often they were times of deep and honest revealing of myself to him, my feelings/emotions/thoughts/desires, *including* regarding J, and his nonjudgmental listening and acceptance.
turns out I was reading things wrongly. yeah, he was def sending a few mixed signals here & there, but hey - I've done that too, knowingly and unknowingly.
Really - I know Life Happens, and I don't want to sacrifice "today's yummy" for tomorrow's uncertainty (have to credit either sparklepop or galagirl for that fun phrasing
), but I'm feeling a little more all the time like it's a damn good time to stay out of intimate physical relationships (read: sex) altogether for a few months. I don't think I like sex without connection, without forming a bond, and I don't want any bonds to get formed in my little world right now.
So...time to dry out. Very content to do so.