After nearly four years of on & off (mostly on) with Z and continually thinking/feeling like I wanted to have some kind of intimate/sexual relationship with both him *and* J, I realized (I think Z and I both did) that "something had to change in order for something to change". So I gave a month's notice at my job and decided to move out of state temporarily.
It was not all relationship stuff that prompted the move. With my job, relationship/s, social life (friends), extracurricular activities, and just too much thinking/fretting/worrying/going in circles about most of the above, I had zero time and motivation to focus my art and creativity, which is a necessary, core part of my life (and gods know I've got plenty of stuff to untangle and express at this point).
I know I'm an idealist and pretty much a die-hard romantic. Aside from knowing that I would be happy being intimate with both Z and J, there was plenty of other stuff that I wasn't so clear about. I figured removing myself from the situation altogether - getting far enough away that I couldn't pick it up and "try again", mess with it, get involved, or be somehow coaxed back into it - would give me & them both time and space to see just what was there and what wasn't. We'll see what comes out in the wash.
In the meantime (I've been here 3 days now, on the outskirts of a small city settled in the high-desert mountains), I've already made MASSIVE progress on my guitar-playing, written and tracked two songs, and dropped just about all my anxiety and racing thoughts altogether.
It was a very selfish decision, and I do miss a few people and some very sweet things, but I do NOT miss all the tension, headache, heartache, pressure, and indecision I experienced on the daily.
That's the ketchup, for now.
Oh yeah - I'm not a die-hard follower of or subscriber to astrology, but I do get a great kick out of it when my weekly horoscope lines up with what's going on in my life and/or how I feel, and the one I got right as I was leaving home was Right. On. The. Money.
Blessings to all you guys.
Big love and tenderness to G, J, and my family back home.