I would like to be considered a co-primary, but that pesky fear of stating what I would like overcomes me
If you would like this, could ignore (the voice of fear) just as you would ignore (the voice of doom.)
"BF, I would like to be considered "equal" or "co-primary" here. Is that what I already am to you or what we are working towards here? I just want to know where things stand at this time."
Then you have your answer.
He didn't call me. He sent me a text.
Oops! Sorry, my mistake. I apologize.
He was in the same country as me and he didn't call me to hear my voice. (Yes, EVIL FIRST THOUGHT OF DOOM, I see you!)
Glad you see it! He WAS contacting you.
HIS need was to contact you to feel close. His taking action and texting was meeting HIS need to contact you in the shape HE was good with.
YOUR need was to hear his voice. Are YOU unable to operate your phone and call him to meet your need? Or YOU text him back to let him know via text that you would enjoy a phone call later in the day and set up the time for it? (If you are both running around at work)?
He doesn't sound like bad guy. But it sounds like rather than be a bit more assertive, you are not asking for what you want/need and then go off to beat yourself up (and secondarily him by assuming he thinks meanly about you) for him not being a mind reader.
Nobody is a mind reader!
GalaGirl, I am printing your post and re-reading it every time I feel upset from now on. I will fight the voice of doom, and I will talk to him in the manner you suggested about checking in.
I'm glad you found it helpful and that you are taking steps to let go of (voice of doom) while taking new steps to articulate your wants and needs to him out loud.
Blue is mine here to make it a specific sentence. I note that when you are not specific and go "general" you seem to end up cranking your anxiety up.
I am afraid to ask for what I want because I don't want him to think it is too much trouble to maintain the relationship with me, (that dealing only with his husband) is easier to deal with (than dealing with husband and me.)
It is true. Dealing with only one partner is easier on time management than dealing with 2 partners. Limit of the Universe. So? The hinge seems aware of this and is ok with being in a polyship. That it is worthwhile -- he has TOLD YOU SO.
Where is problem for you? You have a hard time with your hinge doing his own thinking? You want to be in charge of what he thinks or does not think?
Here is a separate issue :
I am afraid to ask for what I want. This would be bad because....
I don't want him to think it is too much trouble to maintain the relationship with me. Him thinking this would be bad for me because I am afraid...
- (dealing with just his husband) in hinge's time management is easier to deal with than (dealing with his husband and me).
- (Second thought: No, he already is aware of this Limit of the Universe and he told me it is worthwhile. So this is not my real fear. Start list over.)
I don't want him to think it is too much trouble to maintain the relationship with me. Him thinking this would be bad for me because...
I am afraid if he's having trouble, then he might tell me he's having challenges as a hinge. This would be bad because...?
I am afraid if he tells me things he has a hard time with, he might ask me if I'm willing to stop doing/start doing something to help him out. This would be bad because....?
I am afraid if we cannot solve it together by ourselves, he might suggest we start seeing a counselor to help us? This would be bad because...
I am afraid if we cannot solve it by ourselves or with a counselor, he might want to break up with me? This would be bad because...
- I would have to deal with break up feelings, heal from it, and could date one of my other many admirers later?
That is just my example. If you did that exercise, where are YOUR thoughts taking it? Straight to "break up DOOM" or are there "pit stops" in between?
You could try it. And whatever it is, tack on "This would be bad for me because..." and keep answering until you can no longer do it. What's the LAST sentence end up being? How many other pit stops are there for other things to try before going to doom land?
All relationships have problems or hit some bumps. Have you talked to you hinge about how you agree to do conflict resolution together so you can relax about it? Because there's a plan to deal with it?
Last month we had a big discussion about how hard it was sometimes for him to be a hinge (not that he would call himself that). He said "It's exhausting, time-consuming, and hard work. It has to be worth it." Then he turned over toward me and said "You're worth it." I will hold on to that and get through this week.
The hinge can express his feelings about the challenges of polyshipping and being the hinge to his partner... and no doom happens.
You fear expressing your feelings about the challenges of polyshipping as one of the V-arm people and being that person because you worry about.... doom happening? Even though he's basically already told you that you are worth it? How about risking emotional honesty and risking experiencing some non-doom? So you can RELAX here?
What makes it hard to BELIEVE him when he tells you you are worth it to him?
- What behavior would you like him to demonstrate to you so you can give yourself permission to believe him?
- What behavior would you like YOU to demonstrate to you so you can give yourself permission to believe him?
Is it that he thinks you are worth it and you cannot agree with him because YOU think you are not worthwhile?
It's ok to be new to polyshipping but it isn't anything dramatic or special. It's just plain old relationshipping. The "new normal" is going to feel weird til it becomes "old normal." Just like it would in a brand new monogamous shape when you start dating someone new more seriously after being single a while. There's the weird "get to know you" and "build deeper trust" time that all relationships go through. It will happen in polyships too.
You will be ok. Try to RELAX.