Wow, everyone - thank you again for the support and the genuinely helpful advice.
To be fair, my BF has never referred to me as secondary. He eschews labeling generally (he self-IDs as queer, he referred to his previous girlfriend and his husband as "I made them equal" instead of "co-primaries"; running from the mainstream and conventional, even by refusing to say he loves me or he will miss me, seems to be his thing, lol). This is what I see myself as, largely from reading posts on this forum and another one for monos in relationships with polys. I would like
to be considered a co-primary, but that pesky fear of stating what I would like overcomes me
He didn't call me. He sent me a text. He was in the same country as me and he didn't call me to hear my voice. (Yes, EVIL FIRST THOUGHT OF DOOM, I see you!)
GalaGirl, I am printing your post and re-reading it every time I feel upset from now on. I will fight the voice of doom, and I will talk to him in the manner you suggested about checking in. I am afraid to ask for what I want because I don't want him to think it is too much trouble to maintain the relationship with me, that his husband is easier to deal with (although I don't really know that - we still have not met). I had never heard of open model relationship structures before I started seeing my BF; I'm a serial monogamist.
Last month we had a big discussion about how hard it was sometimes for him to be a hinge (not that he would call himself that). He said "It's exhausting, time-consuming, and hard work. It has to be worth it." Then he turned over toward me and said "You're worth it." I will hold on to that and get through this week.