Coming out in pieces
Willa and I have been struggling with Amy's distance from us - as well as her incredible nearness at times, the desire she has for nearness, followed by an incredible distance and pushing away again. It's such a goddamn roller coaster. Knowing the person, loving the person, understanding the person and why she does it, and standing near enough to be there but not so near as to be punched in the next round of lashing out at the world... it's fucking rough.
So we have finally talked to some friends. For those of you who are "out," my god, what a luxury that must be. To be witnessed, understood, and have gone through the weeding out of who will and who won't be your friends after this is revealed.
It began when Willa started telling a friend. Wow, that was powerful. A short conversation, but it was safe, and there was no turning away. For Willa, it was fear - she felt a deep need to reassure the friend (a woman) that she was only attracted to Amy, not all women, that ... well, she's still struggling with loving a man and a woman. Her friend's response was totally cool. Just totally fucking cool.
Soon after, I had a chance to talk to that friend's husband. Turns out he'd thought I was having an affair with Amy (his wife told Willa). Good eyes, buddy, good eyes. It's not an affair, it's a relationship. I talked to him, and we did something really deep and wonderful - a trust exchange of marital internals and personal secrets... holy shit, that man is amazing. I felt so safe walking out of that conversation. (Later, I saw her, hugged her, said "thank you," and she said "ohcomeonwhatareyoutalkingabout - we love you!" followed by a seriously intense hug...
I wish we'd had this relationship witnessed when it was happening. Both our friends commented about that - why now?! Well, yeah, good question, you know? It's late, now, and probably too late. But to have it witnessed is a big deal.
Amy and I are talking about how and when I can spend the night. When her kids are there - no. They come into her room at night, regularly, and she doesn't want me there until she can tell them "he'll be there, and he'll ALWAYS be there." God, I want that. But we're not there, right now, and it's rough going, and impossible to know if we'll ever make it there. God, I hope.
Willa: my wife
Amy: someone Willa and I have both been involved with
Ella: a many-years long-distance relationship of mine, that I don't blog about