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Old 03-18-2014, 04:23 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 60
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I need to take a break here from retelling the past, and be in the present. Recounting these events, even just the very beginning of the breakdown of our marriage has been hard on me, bringing up stuff. I go for long walks with my trusty companion Tomo, in the forest and along local waterways and let all the stress and strain go. I have a solid yoga practice that I turn to, that has burned off a lot of sadness and frustration and given me a chiseled physique to boot. For those extra special feelings I値l shadow box or refresh my Arnise skills. I知 very grounded in my physicality and it has not let me down as an alternative to self-medicating or self-harming.

So where am I at? I have decided to stop running. I have decided to keep building on the friendships and good will that I have worked so hard to build here at the lake. People genuinely like me and my work is well respected ( I知 a custom home carpenter with a specialty in timber framing) and things are at a pace and affordability that appeals to me. I considered moving away, but ultimately I知 tired of moving around and the big shitty doesn稚 appeal to me. Yes I知 a little bit country

The Cabin I was renting is up for sale so I decided to buy a condo nearby. The bank was willing to give me another mortgage once Cinder had (finally) singed our separation agreement, and I make a pretty good wage. It will be nice to finally have a home of my own that no one can arbitrarily take away from me. To me having a stable home is the most important part of life. From there all other thing flow for me, and to not have that security has had a tangible effect on my abilities at work and my emotional health. And I知 tired of renting, I am 44 and need to build equity for my future, after having lost almost everything in the collapse of my marriage. I managed to borrow and scrape together my down payment so I am not beholden to Cinder fucking me around (again) for my meager settlement, while she lives the high life. I sign the paperwork tomorrow, so exciting !

My life is pretty simple these days, and I like it. I work a lot, and spend a lot of time with my dog Tomo. I have friendships that I put in work to maintain, and there are the 殿dult friendships that I have maintained and started since Cinder and I broke up. It has been good to get my intimate needs met through a variety of amazing women who understand what I have been through and just like me for me. For the first time in a long time I can and do feel authentic in who I am and how I interact with people without fear of emotional reprisal. I have been completely up front about my wants and needs and everyone involved know about each other. I知 working on my honest non monogamy, and am still flinchy from all the emotional abuse I suffered through, it痴 a work in progress. But I have a steadfast commitment in myself to be open with the women I share my time with, and so far it痴 been pretty awesome. I still miss Cinder like crazy sometimes, all the good times we shared, the deep connection we had, but there is something to be said for keeping things simple and light. I知 definitely not rushing into any kind of commitment and am very up front about that. So far it has been well received by all those involved, and we have a good thing going. Things don稚 have to be super process-y and complicated. Clarity and honesty are two traits of my character, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I値l reveal the major players in my personal life in another post.

So there is light at the end of a very dark time in my life. And love, intimacy, respect, redemption. As I blog I will jump back and forth from the present and the past, but will always keep the threads going. I am kinda liking this, as an online journal. Thanks to everyone for you PM痴 of support 
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