Thread: Mono Vs. Poly
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Old 03-18-2014, 01:40 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,677

This conversation definitely highlights that the different relationships we have with people may be viewed or defined differently ... so it is important to communicate expectations regardless of the "labels" we are using.

Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
.. what IS the difference between casual sex and sex with a close friend? Can't you have a casual relationship with a friend involving sex?
For me there is a big difference between casual sex and sex with a friend.

For me "casual sex" involves sex with someone that I am not particularly close to - someone I meet at a party, have a good time with, but don't necessarily care if we ever see each other or speak again - although I might be up for a second go-round if we happen to run into each other again - I wouldn't necessarily go to any special effort to make that happen.

On the other hand, I don't have any "casual" friendships - by the time I consider someone a friend they are an integral part of my life and my heart (anyone else is an acquaintance). Their needs and feelings are very, very important to me. Which is why I generally don't have more than a few friends at any given time. (I am easily "friend"-saturated). While the sexual nature of a "FWB" situation might be "casual" - the friendship itself never would be - the sex part is a small part of the relationship.

Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
Most people's (especially monogamists') friendships are limited in physical and emotional intimacy, affection, commitment, and priority. A lot of things (e.g. cuddling, sex, sharing a bed, traveling together, cohabitation, co-parenting) are reserved to romantic relationships. That's why there's the expression "just friends" but not "just romantic partners."
Well, see - with the exception of "co-parenting" - I would share all of the other things on that list with someone who was my friend - no romantic involvement necessary.

Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
Also, the meaning of "friend" is incredibly broad in English. A lot of so-called "friendships" involve no real emotional connections at all.
Which utterly baffles me - as an introvert, I can't fathom bothering to spend ANY time with someone that I didn't feel a real kind of connection with...

Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
However, if a friendship is extremely intimate and as significant as a romantic relationship for both parties, I don't see why having multiple such friendships (or having one romantic relationship and one intimate friendship) isn't a form of poly. I used to not get this, but my non-romantic relationship with L made me realize non-romantic love can be as strong as romantic love, and it would be arbitrary to say it wasn't a significant loving relationship just because it's not romantic.
20 years ago my best friend in school decided that if my long time, long-distance FWB/GF "counted" as a poly relationship, then she did too! After all we spent more time together then we did with our spouses, shared intimate details of our lives and innermost thoughts, cuddled and napped together, had free run of each other's homes, etc. No sexual relationship, but she was jealous when I moved away with my husband - 'cause then HE got me all the time If her husband had agreed, she would have moved with us and kept house.

Poly is a great umbrella to have these conversations - but labels are only as useful as they are...get too bogged down in the semantics and you lose the ability to see the infinite variety and richness of the possibilities of all of the satisfying ways that we can relate to each other as individuals.

PS. Didn't read the whole article but skipped to the suggested section - "queerplatonic" yup, like...
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-18-2014 at 01:47 AM.
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