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Old 03-17-2014, 02:08 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 146

Originally Posted by HazelEyes View Post
I am 31, female, living in central Florida, married to a man in a traditional monogamous marriage. No children (not for another year or two, at least), married for 4 years. I have been exploring and thinking about polyamory for some time now, but approaching it cautiously.

(...husband reluctant, may offer "trial period," HazelEyes is afraid he'll bang the veto hammer and she'll be forced to choose, which may mean divorce...)

One of the things I hope to discover is whether I am really "poly" or not. I hope that reading various sites, blogs, and forum posts (as well as talking to polyamorous folks in a local meetup group) will help me determine if I really need or want to pursue polyamory. I have always tended to develop crushes while in committed relationships (not purely just an attraction), and I wonder what this means, if anything. I have never cheated in a relationship except for what you might call "emotional cheating," but I don't want to be deceitful. So I am trying to understand myself, my needs, and considering the possibility that maybe a polyamorous lifestyle would be a better fit for me.
You sound a lot like me. In my case, my marriage ended after two years of trying very hard to bridge the gap, and a third of negotiating the divorce itself. Once I had disclosed what I had been feeling, there was no going back.

In your case, although of course divorce is painful as hell, you have less at stake given that you have no children. I don't have a pat answer for you, although I will suggest in the strongest possible terms that you figure this out before you have any!

If you can find a poly-friendly therapist, that will be an enormous help to you in clarifying to you if you're "really poly" vs. having crushes and being curious. If you can persuade your husband to go to some sessions with you, and to allow you the room to explore it (and possibly fail at it), that's the ideal solution, but right now, he's probably rather fearful that he'd lose you, which is likely why he is so reluctant.

Most of us marry because we believe the illusion of permanence that it appears to offer. It isn't there, really, but some are EXTREMELY reluctant to accept that nothing in life is permanent, including love and relationships. Marriage, unfortunately, makes it much, much more difficult to part company.

Wish you the best,
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