In several scattered posts in other boards/threads, I have mentioned that I have psychological disorders and take meds to manage them. Since this is "my blog thread" and my psychological condition says something about who I am, it occurred to me that I might want to lay it all out in more detail here.
The lengths of the lists in this post surprise to me, and perhaps will alarm you. But I don't mean them as a cry for help, as things have finally evened out for me after some 25 years of trial and error. I have a good life now and despite the nightmares that haunt me almost every time I sleep, I find life considerably less frightening than it used to be.
I have had counseling on and off since the 90's and while some of it helped, much of it seemed to be futile or inadvertently counterproductive. Overall it was the meds that saved whatever grace I had left, so that I can show some grace in my posts, and somewhat less consistently, in my live interactions with my loved ones. My late wife LV and my current poly partner Snowbunny both sacrificed much time and effort to get me the help that I needed. They also endured my panics, rages, shouting, freak-outs, emotional meltdowns, and extreme frustration over the years, and they took some verbal barbs from me that qualify as psychological abuse. For those who wonder, can a person with as serious of psychological problems as myself be a tolerable part of any poly (or mono) relationship, those women proved that, given the patience of Job, it can be done. I am grateful for their patience and loyalty, and remorseful for my many sins.
My life hasn't been all terrible; I have been treated to much joy and wonder. Much of my life has been a roller-coaster: brief ecstatic highs followed by lengthy devastating lows. I like the milder track the ride now offers much better.
My chronically angry mother was extremely critical toward her children and a master of cutting words, and while her rabid hanger beatings inspired physical terror, it was her verbal beatings that insinuated deep and far-reaching roots into my soul. I am my own worst enemy and metaphorically flog myself for my least mistakes. When posting, I mask the damage that hard criticism from others does to me, while my loved ones witness and put up with the effects of the profound upset and agitation that can persist in me for days. I am determined to learn how to take criticism into stride and so I sometimes expose myself to it against my better judgment. I think I am making progress and becoming more resilient, but I am also trying to establish healthier boundaries.
Professional diagnoses I've received (in roughly chronological order):
- attention deficit disorder (ADD)
- obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
- borderline personality disorder (BPD)
- post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- bipolar disorder (rapid cycling)
- schizoaffective disorder
- Asperger syndrome (mild autism spectrum disorder)
I have symptoms of all of the above, but Asperger's is the official current diagnosis.
Psychotropics (and other prescriptions) I've tried:
Currently taking Zyprexa, Metformin, and Xanax.
A few non-prescription aids I've tried:
- fish oil
- mixed Eastern tea
- St. John's wort
- vitamin D
Currently taking melatonin, vitamin D, and fish oil.
Obviously, most of the stuff I've tried ending up helping little if any, and in many cases yielded some nasty side effects. Zyprexa is a mixed blessing because it comes with a diabetes risk and diabetes already runs in my family. But because Zyprexa's done so well at soothing my troubled moods, I feel somewhat constrained to stick to it for now. I can only hope that the Metformin will contain the weight gain Zyprexa can cause, as weight gain also increases one's diabetes risk. I really suck at exercise nowadays and have less than zero motivation to do it, so eating less will have to suffice. And yes I might try cannabis at some point. Luckily it's legal in the State of Washington.