I'm LoveBunny, early 40's, very bisexual, married to a monogamous man.
My first officially open relationship was in my early twenties when I lived in Manhattan. I was dating Jimmy when we both met Sonya through a mutual girlfriend, who I was also sleeping with. I fell in love with Sonya, Sonya fell in love with Jimmy. Sonya and I also slept with Jimmy's twin brother, Greg, and I slept with Greg's girlfriend too. I left Sonya and Jimmy just before they got engaged. It was a heartbreaking decision, but I knew I would never be happy as a secondary to their primary relationship.
My next relationship was with Matt, who had occasionally had sex with me, Sonya, and the twins. Back thent Matt lived in New Jersey and wasn't around much. Then we started dating, and Matt moved to NYC, into my bachelorette pad. Matt was bisexual, and we had sex with Greg, who was bi, and Matt also slept with my gay friend Tae. Ultimately, Matt and I morphed in a sibling-like friendship, and he remains a dear long-distance confidant. His own marriage recently imploded because he could not sustain monogamy, and was caught cheating.
My next live-in boyfriend was S&M Guy. He was disappointed that I wouldn't embrace my submissive nature, but I'm sensitive to pain and can't take much. I went to Paris for the summer and fell in love with a French flutist named Thierry while S&M Guy stayed in NYC--he was ok with me having a lover abroad. Soon after I returned to NYC, "Arlo" started working where I worked, I would not have believed you if you told me he would someday be my husband. Arlo was so nice, so "vanilla." My relationship with S&M Guy wasn't explicitly open, so when Arlo asked me out at first, I said no. Eventually, I broke up with S&M Guy and commanded Arlo to ask me out again. I couldn't help it, the boy was just so adorable. I thought he was too nice, though. I worried I'd destroy him.
I almost lost Arlo when I returned for another summer in Paris, to Thierry! Arlo was heartbroken by what he considered a betrayal. I realized Arlo couldn't handle the kind of open relationships I was used to. I returned to NYC with promises to reign myself in as best as I could--Arlo was worth it.
Luckily, Arlo wasn't a total prude, he was open to some adventures. Arlo got on great with my ex, Matt, and we had several threesomes with him (though Matt wasn't allowed to touch Arlo, who is straight.) Once, I brought home a girl from my office I was having a fling with (a summer intern who would soon return to Germany) and Arlo watched us fool around.
In my early thirties, Arlo and I wed and moved to the tropics. I fell into monogamy. I concentrated on other things: career, the arts... Arlo and I talked about having children, but I never actually conceived. I certainly felt something wasn't right sometimes. I felt lonely, as if by closing off sexual possibility, I shut myself off from intense connections of any sort.
When I was in my late 30's, monogamous for close to ten years, a guy at work, ten years younger than me, tall and buff, pursued me. I'm ashamed to say I snuck around with him. We groped and sucked and fingered each other in dark rooms at work, but we never saw each other outside of work. We never kissed, and we never fucked. He ended it when he met a girl he wanted a real relationship with.
So I stuffed my desires back underground, and before I knew it, I was 40. The catalyst for great change was a female ex-runway model, Coco, twelve years my younger and openly "polyamorous" (but...what was this word? I'd never heard this before?) She came on to me and I fell fast and hard for this cool, blonde beauty. There was nothing I could do but tell Arlo I needed to open the marriage. Now.
The months that followed were heaven and hell. I was in love with two people, and Arlo was devastated. I found out I was pregnant, but I no longer wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be polyamorous. I wanted more freedom in my life, and a child seemed like an impediment to that. I got an abortion, Arlo and I nearly separated, but at the last minute, he agreed to try opening the marriage. God, I love that man!
Coco and I lasted 5 months. She was a flaming narcissist and treated me terribly. That relationship ended in heartbreak, and now I avoid her like the plague. I used the aftermath to get things sorted out with Arlo. Before it happens again, what are our boundaries? How can we make this work? Arlo isn't interested in anyone but me, I fulfill all his needs sexually and emotionally. My need for intimacy and sex are greater than his, and I work hard to convince Arlo that no one can make me stop loving and wanting him.
Currently, I am working with a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, with the caveat that if someone comes along with whom I feel serious emotions, I am to let Arlo know, and we'll negotiate time-sharing, etc.. Arlo would be far more comfortable if my relationships were just with females, but females willing to date a married woman are few and far between, while males are plentiful, and Arlo understands that....DADT isn't ideal for me, but I'm willing to work with it for now. I've made it clear that I don't believe DADT can work forever.
Right after Coco, I briefly dated a 20-something guy I had known years earlier. He was sweet, but the sexual chemistry wasn't there for me, and he was uncomfortable with dating a married woman. We remain platonic friends. Then I met Carey at a charity function.
Carey is my age, a South African white male, divorced, a former "Mr. Zimbabwe." We hit it off as friends and as lovers, and he was cool with the fact that I'm married. He has a great house with a pool and hot tub, a motorcycle, boats, and we had some great times with all that. Carey got me into anal sex (thank you!) but after 9 months of getting together once or twice a month, we never progressed beyond fuckbuddy status. Then, after one night as his submissive at an S&M party, he decided he wanted to start getting rough with me. Sigh. I've got to do something about these sub tendencies! Carey and I never officially ended things, the booty calls just stopped from both ends, and I see on FB he has a girlfriend now. That's cool. I wish him the best.
I feel good about my marriage, Arlo actually makes jokes sometimes about me fulfilling my fantasy of being with a black man (funny, I've been noticing black men lately, and made out with one I met at a dinner party a couple of weeks ago.) Arlo told me during one of our "check-ins" that I was doing a great job keeping my relationships separate from our home life (something I failed at miserably with Coco. She had me so crazy I could barely function.)
I've been trying to take my sexuality into my own hands, but it's a struggle to find people to date. The only polyamorous folks in my area are single 20-somethings, and I don't quite fit in with them. There's a big swinging community, but I'm not quite a "swinger" either. I'd really like to find a girlfriend, but most lesbian woman won't mess with a married bisexual woman, and most bi women just want me to have a threesome with their man.
I've got a date next week, a single guy I hit up on a swinger's dating site. I liked the picture of his slender, tight torso with his thick, black penis ,and I wrote him to tell him so. He responded articulately and not aggressively. He sent a pic of his face, and he was cute and wore glasses! We messaged, texted, and talked on the phone a bit, and I actually am kind of excited to see if he might be my next lover.