Hoyam's thread made me start thinking about a week ago. Matt never asked me to choose. Matt tolerated poly but really hated it. He dealt with it as long as he could, but when he decided enough was enough, he left. He did not threaten divorce. He told me what he could not and would not be part of: a mono/poly marriage. Sometimes you get tired of being hurt and realise you deserve more. All within the realm of logical and reasonable. In our case fixing behaviours was not sufficient enough. He hired attorneys and removed the choice from my hands. He was urged to think of our children. I was pissed and let people with moronic beliefs make me think HE was in the wrong for being fed up. How bloody daft! Our then four year old and nine month old children were not enough to keep him from walking away. He wanted a divorce and was willing to fight me for custody. The odds were stacked against me for several reasons. The likelihood of me only having visitation during holidays and term breaks was what I was facing. Did that reality humble me? Absolutely.
I have seen some of these custody cases have questionable outcomes like siblings being split up or the father getting the daughter and granting the mother visitation on the father's whim when 99% of the time, he blocks her from accessing the child. My favourite was the father who only wanted one out of two of his biological children. He refused to acknowledge his second child, never bothers to contact him, and stays away. The little boy blames his mum and lashes out in volatile ways. The truth is his his sperm donor only wanted his sister and will never be bothered with him unless it is to piss the mum off. In other countries, custody may be granted to the mum without question, but there was no set precedent for that. It was unpredictable and too big of a risk.
I did not corner Matt after marriage and force him to open. Fools argued that he signed up for this. No one signs up for the things he went through. I am no longer oblivious to how he could have been unhappy. would be miserable with what he was faced with. I have empathy and understanding of something other than myself.
Often you do not realise what you are doing or have done until someone else breaks it down. The following sums it up nicely:
Her relationship's demands kept growing, and she felt like she had to keep up with them. We all know when you have kids, say bye to the sex life, sleep, hanging with mates, and anything you did before them for awhile. What did that leave me with? The minimum. A wife in name only, being neglected, and seeing her on some days for as little as 10 minutes.
All the while, she was maintaining weekly date nights, an overnight, and spending half of Sunday with her. She was seeing her no less than 5/7 days. Some weeks it was 7 for 7.
We didn't have a two-person marriage. Snowflake was the third party in our marriage. There was no balance or fairness. Equality? Nah. None of that. She was so secure in the fact that we were married, that she let the marriage shoot to hell to maintain the relationship.
After reading this, it easy to see how his tolerance left the building. I was a nightmare and selfish. At what point should you tell someone enough is enough without being told to remove yourself because you are the one who wants things to return to the way they used to be? Matt really tried for years, but I am almost certain that resentment and hatred outweighed any love he had for me. What if he had asked me to return to the way our lives were pre-Si or even before 2008? I know the answer, and it further proves why I am better suited for how I am living now.
Poly is still a sore spot for him. His body language speaks volumes when it is brought up. I am not sure he will ever be completely comfortable discussing it. He has already let me know that under no circumstances will he ever be okay with being part of a poly marriage. From his POV, being a single father would be better than being part of a mono/poly marriage again. It is a hard limit and zero sum. He kept apologising when he told me that he loved me, but he could not do that again for any amount of love. He is still hurting, and I can see it. Our therapist knows not to bring it up unless she wants him to shut down. I respect him a great deal for being honest. It is often too easy to get pissed at the person who does not cooperate or issues something like an undesirable choice. He has boundaries, and I will never find fault in that. I am not mad at him either.
I doubt I will ever have a second relationship again. I have not fallen in love in 13 years, and I have never actively searched for love. I have only been intimate with one man and never been attracted to another one. I have not been remotely interested in a woman in years. I am not keen on new people. I have no idea what/who I am attracted to. Attraction is never immediate for me. It is secondary. Even without the healing marriage, pending adoption, and newfound joy, dating would not be on the table or even in my view. I have never had any interest, though. I suppose I am weird like that.
These days I really do not have anyone to talk about poly with. My in-laws act like it never happened. My family just does not speak of it. Any pictures with my ex have been altered or removed. My mum has never said it, but secretly I think she is happy I am "normal." Matt is uncomfortable with discussing it on anything more than a surface basis. He draws the line at anything involving my best friend. He is okay with knowing that she is in love with me. Most of my friends never understood it. My best friend is about the only one, and she is dealing with her own difficult situation. Oh and I cannot reveal my past to anyone at home. As far as they know, we are a mono couple with children who relocated from London last year. I have often said being closeted would be easier than being out. Outside of that, his job is certainly not accommodating for such. They have their employees sign morals clauses, and it was clear from that day forward that being open and out was no longer possible. This is why I blog on here. No one in my new life knows about the past one.
I refuse to label myself as monogamous. Our marriage is monogamous, but that describes the state of it. That is a loaded term. I much prefer monoamorous and monosexual.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Camping has not been awful. My children are loving it, and it has been nice meeting the other parents at the school. We went hiking this afternoon. Matt challenged me not to complain or use any beauty products. He is really trying to break my spoiled nature. I am glad we took time out to do this. The fresh air has helped me think. We just might do this again.