Don't worry, no penis for me either.
Posted to polycast.libsyn.com
While it is generally understood within the polyamory community that there is no strict rule or definition for how one might choose to employ 'poly' in their lives, I have found there are some practices which seem to contradict the fundamental principles of seeking personal growth while striving to maintain equality and balance within one's 'poly' relationship. Specifically, I'd like to address the strategy of hunting for a 'unicorn', wherein a heterosexual couple embarks on a journey to find a 'third' for their relationship, most often a female, who will find both individuals equally desirable and will want to spend equal amounts of time with each. Much like the search for the mythical unicorn, this outcome is highly improbable and seems to cater predominantly to the delicate ego of the male. This goal often seems to be born from poly-curious couples agreeing to a 'one penis policy' as a stepping stone to opening up the relationship, in which couples agree that while either individual is free to engage in relations with other women, no men are to be pursued by either partner.
This strikes a chord with me as I believe that the great benefit of practicing a polyamorous lifestyle is that you are made to confront and let go of your insecurities and fears, and that this acts as a catalyst for personal growth and development. When you enter into a 'poly' relationship with caveats such as the 'one penis policy', the male is missing out on an huge opportunity to experience this growth. The female in this scenario is being made to confront and let go of her insecurities and fears by allowing her partner to pursue relationships with the opposite sex, but this is not being reciprocated in-turn. This creates an imbalance in the relationship and contradicts the principles of openness and equality which, I believe, are fundamental to living a successful polyamorous life.
I believe polyamory is about the practice of non-possession, genuine care, and nurturing of loved ones, and not applying arbitrary restrictions due to one's own insecurities and fears. The 'one penis policy' is certainly a step towards opening up a relationship, but I would be hesitant to call it a step towards polyamory.
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