Thank you for your reply and your practical advice
I feel I am doing a lot of work towards these things, and your reply helps point me in the direction I need to focus on even more.
I think my confusion comes mostly from the fact that I don't know where I stand anymore. Before all this, I was convinced that polyamory was so right, so natural, so much more honest. But now I have crazy urges of having my loves "all for myself"
and I simply cannot discern if it's because I have a lot of work to do on my social conditioning, or if it is simply who I am and what I truly want.
I realise that no one can answer that question for me, but I think I was maybe hoping to hear from others that this was a normal stage to go through? To first recognise intellectually all the appeal of polyamory, to then retreat into a conflicted mono mindset wanting just one partner and viewing sharing as "missing out", before eventually embracing a poly lifestyle fully?
I don't know... I'm just really lost right now and I'm seeking for hope that it will soon get better and make sense again?
Thanks in advance for any other insights