Have had some seriously edge-y days recently.
A mood, from the day before yesterday:
Anxious. Something's not right. I'm not right.
Some experiences pull through me like a lockpick, resetting my pieces, I feel adjusted on the inside, half-open
I asked Grotto to come round and chat with me. We got food delivered, watched Cheers
, hung about. He was gentle with me, which is what I needed. I don't appreciate him enough. Yeah, it's hard work sometimes, for both of us. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, and the ways we're not perfect are particularly incompatible sometimes. Bone on bone. But we're good, it's good.
Lobe's visiting this weekend. I have work on one of the days he's here. I'm a bit nervous whether I'll be able to do work-mode when he's around. But... I have to be able to! One thing about our current long-distance is that we tend to see each other on weekends, when it's all playtime. We miss the regular workaday stuff, but it's hard to get a sense of that when, well, you're actually
Since I still don't have a room of my own here (Ocean and I share a one-bedroom flat, at the moment), Lobe and I are getting a cheap motel, and then a more fancy hotel, for the first two nights he's here. He may stay another night too, which could be with Ocean and me (there are sofa sleepin options in the lounge). Either Lobe and I would take the bedroom, or the lounge, and Ocean would work around that. Checked in with Ocean, he said he's ok with that, though it's obviously not ideal. Hopefully will work for one night, if need be. There's just not quite room enough here to get enough space, though...
Another option is crashing with a Mutual Friend. In this case, it may be harder logistically, and I'm craving being at home. But that (Lobe and I staying with a friend, rather with another partner) feels much easier in terms of dynamics. I understand why
, but it still baffles me... How can having a sexual relationship with someone change a whole bunch of things about the friendship, and how that relates to other connections I have? e.g. Me + a friend I'm not fucking + a friend I am fucking: all good to hang out (as long as everyone feels included. I guess it could get third-wheel-ish, depending on the vibe.) But me + two friends I'm fucking: is initially weird, in general, unless we're all into fucking each other. Right? What gives?
Anyway. Not having my own space right now (at least a bedroom of my own) is a frustration. Luckily, a frustration I think will be fixed soon. Our current location is quite central. For the same amount of rent, Ocean and I can get two rooms a bit less central... and it seems we've done this. I've sorted a retreat space/bolt hole/fuck pad which is a bit far out of town, but is in a space with great people. I vibe really well with the main person in the house. They're a musician too (I dabble a bit), and they're into a bunch of similar stuff to me (gardening, shared cooking, community arts, etc). I'm excited about moving there. Start date is in the first week of April.
So, next time Lobe visits (at this stage, seems like it may be Easter break), he can stay with me!
As for the other room, an opening is coming up in a warehouse with a couple of Ocean's and my mutual friends. (Hilariously, it may be an old room of Bijou's (Grotto's ex)... It facinates me how social circles in even very large cities tend to still be incestuously small.) If that all works out, when the lease ends on this place in May sometime, we'll shift our 'home base' into that other pad. It's an excellent location for me: one stop out of the city, on the side of the city I work on. At the moment, is an hour commute door to door to my work. From the warehouse will be more like 25-30mins door to door. Maybe even less. Woo!
Eventually I don't want to live between two houses. In fact, since I stay one or more nights a week at Grotto's place (I aim for an average of 2-3), it'll be like three places really... Four, if you figure the time I spend with Lobe in the city he
lives in. Shifting like that isn't good for me. It's the little details I crave. Knowing what marketing needs to be done. Sharing meals. Being there to check in on my family's moods. The natural support of cohabitation... If your time is divided between too many places, you just can't do any of that very well.
But, as an interim measure, this could work swimmingly.