Thread: A Dilemma
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Old 04-10-2010, 10:07 PM
saudade saudade is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Default How I'd feel in her place, for what it's worth

@jv02vd: You posted one particular paragraph that hits my buttons strongly. I don't know anything about you or her, except what you've written here, so I'm trying not to make assumptions, but I see some red flags. For what it's worth, I am very poly, and some kind of depressed myself (getting into therapy to find out the particulars) . I'm actually going to respond to your paragraph bit by bit. Here goes:

I do think I'll be bringing this up with her soon though. But even though a poly situation isn't my ideal, I think I'll at least give her that option. It's only fair, given the situation.
Is poly just not your ideal, or is it not for you at all? It's okay to be unsure and give it a try, but if you know it's not your lovestyle, then I really don't recommend doing it.

And it'll give me a way to actually try and "win her back" properly. I lost her the first time because I was afraid to have her compare me to Mr Poly Guy, so it's only appropriate really that it should come to that now.
I'm with SchrodingersCat: anyone who ever gives me a relationship ultimatum is gone, period. There's actually a bit of poly jargon to describe someone doing what you're talking about; a 'cowboy' is someone who enters a poly relationship with the intent of breaking it up and grabbing one of the partners monogamously. If I were your ex and you told me this was your plan, I'd be out the door.

I'd still like her to be monogamous with me eventually, and she'll know that even without me saying anything.
That someone will know something without you saying it is easily one of the most dangerous assumptions you can make in any relationship. I could easily see myself being in her shoes, and assuming that you wouldn't have come to her about a relationship unless you had realized you were interested in having a poly one, which is exactly the opposite of what you're saying! My advice is to state everything explicitly-- especially when it's something this big.

But right now, I think she's important enough to me that I'm willing to accept what she's willing to give.
This is very much a devil's advocate sort of question, so please take it in that spirit: will she not be important enough to you for that later?

With that paragraph covered, I have one more bit of advice to offer. I've been depressed (or something like it) for nearly a decade myself. I'm finally getting into therapy, and I'm looking forward to not having to go it alone any longer. I don't know the details of your situation, but I can't help but suggest that you consider professional assistance in some form.

No matter what happens, good luck! Thanks for being brave enough to bare your soul on here. Keep sharing-- we're here.
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
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