Thank you for your replies. I know a lot of you probably think I am silly to stay with her for so long with these kind of demands but what can I say. I tend to let my heart guide me. It's something that can't really be expressed through words or through the internet, only through experiencing the moment. I've followed my feelings of the energy of situations. Sometimes I just need to talk to you all to make sure I'm not crazy. I need perspective on the logic of things at times. So thank you for reassuring me.
The point I am at in my life right now is very live and let live. I believe life can be simple. I am trying to put myself out there like that. Accepting people the way they are and just needing to be accepted as I am in return. I want to love in the way of just being two souls sharing energy and enjoying life experiences together. No attachment or possession. I can't allow myself to be controlled anymore and I don't want to control anyone else. I feel like a butterfly coming out of my chrysalis and it hurts me to feel someone is trying to sew my cocoon back shut! It doesn't feel loving to me.
And it hurts even more that she can't see how much stirring up this negativity is hurting our relationship. I want to move forward. I want to be happy - together and separately.
But to her I am the one hurting it by not "just giving in" to "this one thing".. but will it ever just be this "one thing"?? It's the principal of it. I am not a possession that can be molded to fit her every insecurity. I am a reasonable person and willing to compromise. I told her I don't want to argue or fight, and I don't want to tell her what to feel. I accept and understand how she feels and that's okay. I can't give her what she's asking, but here's what I can do instead. If it's not enough, she is free to decide what her next step is.
It pains me that she throws in my face she is making a huge sacrifice by moving out "for me." I understand she would be happy to stay in the state we've been in and keep living together for the rest of eternity - that would keep me all to herself. That of course would be comfortable for her. I get that. And I do appreciate she is trying something she would rather not. But it hurts that she claims she cannot see any of the positive outcomes this could potentially have for us. We've discussed the pro's of it for her personally too, and she's agreed, but I don't know if she believes it when she throws it in my face in situations like this.
But honestly this is where I'm at. I don't think our relationship can continue happily or grow with the idea that we can control each other. I would rather stay together than break up (as would she as she tells me.) My compromise to keep that want for us is to try living separately and see how it goes. My hope is we will feel a stronger bond as a result of letting go and allowing each other to be independent. That is my decision at this point. Giving her power to dictate my space, my bed, my body, is not part of that compromise. She has her own free will to decide if this arrangement will work for her, or she can walk away. I do not want to fight anymore. I don't want to experience pain anymore. I have more love to give and I want to focus on that rather than focusing on pain. She can stand by me in this or if she feels it is detrimental to her self respect she can make the decision for herself to move on.