I've been reading a lot of posts here during the past few weeks, and feel it is time to introduce myself and ask for some guidance.
I am very new to poly and concerned about how hard the adaptation period is, despite my intellectual beliefs about it.
I (female, straight, 37, previously married and now single mom) have thought about polyamory for many years, but was never in a relationship where it would have been healthy to introduce it. I have now done so with my live-in partner of 3+ years (male, 36, straight, previously married and single dad of 2). After many many talks and some reading, we decided to give it a go, well aware that there would be hard feelings to address once it would become real.
I honestly didn't expect to be the one adding a new relationship. I rarely meet love interests, and have only been in 3 relationships in my life (very intense ones). But to my surprise, as we opened up, I was able to let go of repressed feelings I had had, and came to realise that I was still in love with my ex of 3.5 years (male, 30, currently in an LDR - we were together for 2 years, also LDR, and had a really tough breakup as we both still loved each other). This happened 1.5 month ago, and these weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I've had to come to terms with our breakup being a mistake and deal woth all the new feelings I was getting.
We found out that my ex had also recently opened up his relationship, so proceeded to explore where we were standing, with the knowledge and approval of our respectice partners.
But things seem to be getting tricky suddenly.
My partner, who was initially very accepting of the idea, is now going through a really hard time. We are talking about it extensively, and he says I am doing everything I can to reassure him of my love for him. But he feels hurt and threatened, and terrified at tge idea of me visiting my ex (I suppose he isn't really my ex anymore, but it will be his name for the remainder of this post). I, on the other hand, am struggling with the fact that my ex is planning on moving in with his gf soon (they are LDR, but way more manageable than he and I are - we live on different continents). And that is hard for me to accept, because back when we broke up, he was planning to move to me. This feels unfeasible because of his gf now, and that makes it hard gor me to embrace her fully as a part of his life.
Basically, I feel like a fake who wants it all. I want my live-in partner to be ok with it and to not be hurt by the fact that I love someone else as much as him (rekindling an old relationship has robbed us of the baby steps we expected from a new relationship - this has all gone vety fast). And I want my ex back the way we were, planning to move here to be with me, not starting a life with someone else where I feel I would only get crumbs.
I suppose my question is... how long does it take to break free from these monogamous urges? I am doing in-depth work on myself and hope that both my partner and I will find joy in this (especially once he also meets someone), but I also wonder if we're not fooling ourselves and are simply mono at heart and uncapable of such an arrangement?
Even if I envision my ex moving here for me, I would have to divide my time between the two of them, and that doesn't sound appealing... I want them both full time!!
I want to believe in polyamory still. All the ideas make sense. But my heart hurts for now. Is it a matter of time for all parts? Or should I just accept that I'm not cut for this before I do any more damage?
Thank you in advance for your help... I so hope that this is a normal transitional state and notme fooling myself because I love 2 men and fon't want to give any up...