Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 03-13-2014, 12:37 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
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Not much going on in my world. My oldest is out of school until Monday. She only had school two days this week. I took some PTO and spent the entire day with her. We had a really nice day.

We are going camping this weekend. Our youngest daughter's school is hosting their annual family camp weekend. I am not one with nature, so I am not looking forward to any of it. The things we do for family.

I had therapy yesterday. My therapist has taken a keen interest in how I did things. For example, she asked me who would have gotten my children if something had happened to us. She was surprised to find out their other "parent" was not the one. She is of the belief that my subconscious behaviour always contradicted what I said. Tis true. She was in that role, but I did not include her on the list of labour support. She met my daughter after all of the grandparents, siblings, etc. With my son, she had no access because he was in NICU. I did not allow her to have access, but I had the option.

It has been interesting deconstructing my relationship with Si. It has been very telling, and it shows just how I really felt about her. I stopped loving her a long time ago. I knew I was no longer in love with her during my first pregnancy. There is no denying that. I no longer desired her sexually either. I lost all interest in her. My therapist seems to believe that was my way of reacting negatively to the changes she pushed in my direction. I agree. I finally said what I have been holding back: I hated being her primary and having her as my co-primary. My task? Identifying why I hated both. She also wants to discuss how I feel about poly and why. She has heard some of my recent thoughts, and they have been rather...unique. I call them flaws and realisations. I do still feel selfish. She calls it cynicism and thinks I have been left with a bitter after taste. I am not sure what dissecting my thoughts will do, but if it helps her sleep at night. *shrug* I guess the ultimate goal would be forgiving myself and accepting that I could have done things differently, but I had no control of how others conducted themselves. Oh and maybe owning my feelings and thoughts. Some part of me still feels the need to hold back my real thoughts and feelings on my ex. I admit them in short spurts, but I still feel compelled to sugar coat reality. Why? I have no need to protect someone I do not give a fuck about. I have not forgiven myself after a year. Forgiving myself will not magically unlock my disinterest and send me back on the path I walked down until March 2013. I am a work in progress and figuring things out.
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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