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Old 04-10-2010, 05:51 PM
saudade saudade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Default My 2 cents (and some commentary on the awesome)

First, acknowledging the awesome:

I have a wife who 100% fullfill my "needs". My problem is I have more to give. Its the only way I can explain it.
@Ariakas: That's one of the wisest statements I've seen on this entire forum. Thanks! (If you're feeling up to it, you might want to write an article on those words.)

Monogamy never ever felt right to me, ever since my teen years, and I spent a long time struggling with it, doing stupid things, hating myself, beating myself up about it, and definitely thinking I was a bad person
@CielDuMatin: I could have written those words, verbatim! Good to know I'm not the only one...

It's sort of like chocolate cake. Chocolate cake is absolutely delicious, I really love chocolate cake. But no matter how good a chocolate cake might be, even if it's the best chocolate cake in the world, I would still want to include other foods in my diet. This isn't because of an inherent lack of chocolate cake, but because I am not a chocolate-cake-ivore.

Pandas, on the other hand, are bamboo-ivores, and they never care for anything else. This isn't because bamboo is some kind of wonder food, in fact it's just grass. But pandas have evolved to be capable of obtaining all their required nutrients from a single plant.
@SC: You're a genius. That's going into my bag of tricks for explaining poly. Thanks!

Now, for all of Kamala's q's (which are appreciated, in a debate/philosophy conversation context!):

Do you think that people that have been hurt, or cheated on/betrayed or themselves done the cheating and betraying, are those people more likely to turn to polyamory as a sort of resignation to this less than ideal part of human nature? Or were you all well functioning monogamists who decided to move forward to polyamory as something positive, something expansive?
Like CielDuMatin, whom I quoted above, I was not at all a 'well-functioning monogamist'. In high school (before I knew about poly) I kept finding myself in situations where, no matter how wonderful what I had with my boyfriend was, I kept falling for close friends too. Once I had the vocabulary, I was able to stop thinking of myself as a bad monogamist, and able to start seeing myself as a good polyamorist, and it made a world of difference.

That said, I do think my capacity to love is something positive and expansive-- it's so expansive it couldn't fit in a monogamous framework! I don't think my poly tendencies are anything other than one ideal (not the only ideal) aspect of human nature; it's just that that aspect doesn't fit well in the dominant lovestyle.

Are polyamorists just less generous when they come to assessing the human capacity for devotion to just one? Does that jeopardize the spirit of plurality and openness that Iíve seen on these boardsÖ?
I completely acknowledge that many people can experience happiness in a monogamous relationship. I also completely acknowledge that some people can only be happy romantically in a monogamous relationship. However, that doesn't prevent me from noticing that the reverse is also true. Some people on each side of this situation have trouble acknowledging the other view. There are also lots of religious individuals who have trouble with atheism, and atheists who have trouble with religious belief... members of opposing political parties... citizens of nations at war... The human brain does not see multiple sides of an issue without effort, no matter its starting point.

I mean, how many people here would be happy being monogamous if exactly the 100% right person came along, that fulfilled all your needs etc? And if that's the case, is your choosing to be polyamorous a gesture of bad faith in that being a possibility?
Kamala, that's an interesting question. Its phrasing sets up the proposition that finding one person who "fulfilled all your needs" would be preferable to having two or seven people who did, or doing so all by yourself. To me, it seems most important for everyone involved to feel happy/successful/fulfilled (whatever word they'd like to use).
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
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