Or was it? When I look back there were flags from the start. Cider and I are both kind of alpha, and we butted heads some. We both have strong personalities which lead us to conflict, a lot. I also had anger management issues which would lead me to be in a heightened state of anxiety, and when I lost my mix I would be prone to angry outbursts, mostly verbal. When things did get a little physical between us it was a mutual escalation. I know it had not been easy on my partners to deal with my fiery temperament, and it has been something that has been a lifelong work in progress. But it sure didnít play well with Cinders personality challenges, mainly her propensity to be intensely emotional, to the point of catatonic hysteria, crying for hours at a time, over things I couldnít or wasnít able to help her out of. I tried everything in the early stages, and we worked together to find ways to give each other what we needed, but it didnít always work, and it wasnít always easy, far from it. Now I know relations arenít supposed to be easy, but we put in a ton of work. Counselling, anger management, group sessions, couples, talking and processing, all night sometimes. I remember missing work because she had kept me up in a hysterical state that would just get worse and worse, and didnít have the skills or personality to be able to get her out of it sometimes, most times? And she would just escalate. It was difficult.
Cinder was a pretty controlling and manipulative person to me, more so in the later stages of our relationship after poly was introduced, but in the early going as well. I felt like she at times used her emotional upset to attempt to control me, my behaviour, to get what she wanted. Itís just my perception. Sheíd say to me ďif I only said yes all the time, everything would be so easyĒ things like that. I ended up capitulating a lot, because it was easier, and I loved her dearly and wanted her to be happy. My love language was acts of service and I was constantly doing things for her home, her business, her family. I loved it, I had never had a home or a family like this, so warm and expressive with love and support. I did things without thought as to how it could play out later on. And there was always more, more, more. C is a classic over achiever to me, very high functioning type A personality, charismatic, beautiful, smart, sexy. I would have done anything I could for her, for us, for our happiness.
Well almost anything. I had my own baggage from my previous relationship, and when I felt I was being controlled or manipulated I would resist. Maybe it was residual from being an Anarchist hooligan in my 20ís. I certainly didnít have a lot of societal skills when we met. Lol I barely had a bank account, and C was a master of bureaucracy. She represented so much of what I longed for in life. So even in the tough times we made things work, not always smoothly, but to the point three years in we decided to marry. She had let me know pretty early on that marriage was what she wanted. She wanted a life partner with whom to grow old with, and that was me. She felt cheated as to meeting me later in her life, that I was her soul mate. She projected so much love into me that I felt it was too good to be true. That turns out to be a sad truth in the present. But I loved her back in the best way I could, in all my fierceness and ability and tried to match her effort for effort to create a life together.