I often write here when I am down, upset or trying to figure something out. If things are good, I'm grateful but I don't feel a need to write.
Things are not good.
A family member is dying. There is nothing more that can be done. I'm so sad.
I've lost my temper multiple times today. I often experience sadness as anger. There is a taboo in my family about expressing sadness that I have been working on. I've made progress - I understand that the rage and frustration I am feeling is because of grief. Knowing that helps only a tiny bit though.
Work is just annoying me for no good reason. We're busy, which is good. I like having work to do. And I am desperately trying to remind myself to be grateful - I know lots of people who don't have work - and be motivated. But mostly I feel grateful for a little while and then still end up annoyed. I am bored and I do not handle boredom well at all.
But I have no idea what I would like to do instead. I don't have a grand passion I want to launch into. If I had money and did not need to work, then I would just putz around, learn various metalworking arts, rescue pets, appreciate art and generally do not much of anything. None of those things is something I can make money at. I've been stymied about this for years. What do I want to do with my life? The answer lately has been not a lot. I see all these people driven to do certain things in life and admire that. But I don't have that.
I continue to have concerns about my relationship with Whip. I have a boyfriend but I am not sure I have a partner, at least in the way I think of a partner. Not sure if it is enough, if my needs are met. Or if I am overthinking or unwilling to do the work to find out if my needs can be met.
Angry, sad and frustrated today.