Lots to think about
First of all thank you so much for your insight here nycindie. Reading this has given me so much to think about. I do want to answer some of your questions and such.
You are absolutely right. It is up to me. I am unfortunately sometimes a very submissive type. Other people's happiness (even at the detriment of my own) is often more important to me. It is an issue I am aware of and have worked on, but it is not yet automatic. It's still requiring more work.
Guilty. Totally and completely guilty of asking "Is this allowed?". It's part of why I'm here. I need confirmation from people outside of my current situation.
In my relationship I do feel love, valued and respected. I feel that my concerns and heard and acknowledged. Promises are kept. However, I DO NOT feel my relationship is loved, valued and respected by his partner. I feel from her my concerns are heard and them dismissed. I'm basically told "Well, sometimes that's just how it goes." I think I have neglected to mention that previous to he and I start dating, his wife has been one of my best friends. She was the one who basically set us up and told us that us dating was a good idea and she was totally in support of it. She changed her mind after we had already fallen in love and became someone I don't recognize.
If you were in a monogamous relationship with this guy, and he had a sister, would you let his sister determine what you can and cannot do with him? I doubt it! Just because he is married and poly, why allow his wife to call the shots for what you can and cannot do with him? It's only acceptable if that is something you feel perfectly comfortable with - but it is obvious you are not. If they have terms for how things can go, so should you! Develop your own boundaries, state what they are, and tell them what is negotiable and non-negotiable. If, for example, you don't feel comfortable going to his place for a date, don't. Have him over to your place.
We usually do dates at my place because it's easier. We do occasional dates at his place, but it is difficult for me to be comfortable there. I feel that she is always interrupting or turning his and I's date nights into "let's all hang out together" time. That came to a bit of a head last night and I left my date with him early. I told him I did not feel welcome and that clearly there were other issues that needed to be dealt with. He was confused and hurt, which I didn't like, but I was rather proud of myself for standing up for myself.
Yeah, the whole overnight thing is becoming more and more of an issue. In the six months that we have been dating he has stayed overnight exactly once. This is a problem.
He is coming over tonight and I think we are going to be having a very long conversation. I love him very, very much and he truel is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known, but I need to better understand and make my own needs known and met.