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Old 03-09-2014, 07:53 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346

I am struggling right now. I am sucking at being poly. I think bassman sucks at being a hinge.

I can go about 5 days feeling ok. Than bam! I'm in a funk. My work schedule can be sun to sat or mon to sun with no day off until #14. Yesterday I hit over 61 hours in 6 days (only worked just over 4 yesterday).

What my issue has been lately is quality time and quality talking time. Our communication is always about me having a problem. My problem is what bassman is communicating to me and not listening to my communication to him. (thinking about this now I smile and laugh - I've been under the assumption {assume just need to remember it makes an ass of myself} bassman's communication with wild orchid never gets forgotten by him...well honestly I don't know so now that I've thought about it...don't care any more BUT the amount of communication is definitely at a subpar level in comparison for bassman and I and that's the issue for me-that he just doesn't spend the time contacting me etc...UNLESS IT'S A DAY AN "ISSUE" HAS EVOLVED).

I just want to stop feeling so sad. Today, after a good nights sleep...that weird icky sad feeling is gone. Working so much, the pressure (can't make a mistake with what I'm doing so at times there's research on tax laws to go through when taking a deduction or a way to treat income etc) of home, work and my needs did get overwhelming for me.

The conversation last night with bassman...the outcome wasn't what I was looking for. So I told him no trying to do what he suggested (an exit strategy of his relationship with wild orchid). One because that isn't the problem and yeah, I may not be ok with poly at this time, I do realize my triggers at this time (work hours, lack of sleep, lack of time) is my demise of being happy want in life. I can never give an ultimatum (which I did give but not of that wasn't me or was if you can't help and do more of the communicating with me that you do her...than I want a divorce, not you end it with her or I'm divorcing you).

It's that I've been telling him for weeks we're broken. I truly feel that. We were broken when we entered into this lifestyle and WE need work. I love him, he loves me...the passionate love I have now for him that was not here a year ago...which he's been wanting from me...has rooted her head full force BUT issues that have been in our relationship for over 20 years...those behaviors/issues that we're both guilty of and we've both put up with...those things/behaviors is what makes me feel broken...and it falls back on COMMUNICATION...oh what a revolving circle this is.

And so for me...I truly, deeply in my heart, feel that I can be in a poly relationship with bassman, that is pretty fluid...and allowed to change as our needs change if we both can work on our time when we're with each other and our actions when we are with each other.

My trigger yesterday...discovering while paying the cell bill...that texting with wild orchid continues even after I'm home. He works 6:30am to 2 pm. They text as soon as he wakes, he calls her every morning for 5 to 15 minute talks, as soon as I pick him up at 2 and I'm back to work at 2:30 he has any where to a 30minute to hour conversation with her and then they text the rest of day/night.

When I'm home and we're supposed to be spending quality time with the kids and each other he's texting her the entire time. This is my issue right now. I get the text's about kids once he's off work and when I'm done and a few
"i really need to reconnect with you"....blah blah blah. Sex just doesn't satisfy my emotional needs...he just doesn't get it. I really feel at this season (Feb 1st to Apr 15) respecting my need to receive 100% attention (aside from the 75% the kids gets) should be devoted to me as soon as he picks me up from work.

Like Wed...we had a date night, went out. As soon as we got home, he started texting wild orchid. When he has his time with her...guess what I am not doing? Texting come the morning and a kid gets sick or something comes up, yes he'll get a text from me. On his overnights, he's the one to make contact with me in the morning, but I do not contact him unless it's an emergency. I thing his time with her should be about him being with her. And I think I should be respected by both of them when he's with me. Yes we're married, yes we live together, but NO we get one hour a night, that's 6 hours a week with plus 2 here or there (a date night) that we get quality time. Even with his one overnight...he gets almost a full day with her minus an hour here or so of getting kids off to their places (she has older adopted disabled kids and that is how she works...she doesn't have a job to be at). I am not jealous or envious of her...I am annoyed at bassman SUCKING at being a hinge.

Bassman tells me continuously he just wants me to be happy. So I freak out...then feel bad I'm "controlling him" (yes his words) so I negate all the "boundaries" I threw out when upset...when in reality he just hasn't gotten it since December....just because I say DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT, I'LL DEAL WITH what point does he get out of his box and let the light bulb go off?

....Oh wow...she keeps bringing this "issue" up...maybe rather than take her up on her offer when she's whatever i want...maybe i should really take heart and hear what she's telling me...she's telling me she's not okay i contact wild orchid when i'm with her (duh )...and she only tells me to do whatever because she's trying not to control the situation...but her upsetness continues to be the same subject even though i say it's the relationship..which yeah it's how i'm doing the other relationship and how i'm doing this relationship with her...and i tell her she's my primary but if i take a step outside that box...i might just see what she's seeing...

if only he'd think that way. oh well...i can only discuss it so much until i'm just tired of it...hence the ultimatum of divorce. i can't ask him to change, i can only ask him to interact with me more during the day...if that isn't a possibility, then i will not be happy and i see my only recourse is ending it. i just would never respect myself to continue to stay in a relationship that does not provide me happiness at a minimum 75% of the time nor in a relationship where i'm friggin upset, sad, depressed 90% of the time.
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