Thanks for all the opinions. There seems to be people who just don't accept the forcing of chosing and people who understand.
Me, i understand his opinion. He tried, didn't succeed, loves me as i was before and wants that back. And, as some people write: he was there before, i share a life, family, children, finances, everything with him. From a distance i would advice myself to stop while my husband is still there and make the best of it. If this was about somebody else my answer would be easy.
But... It is about me, my feelings, my heart, my life. And i have given that advice to myself before but it is too painful. Losing my new found life, the sweet new boyfriend, the woman i am when i am with that other man, even the new wife i have became with my husband. It is like a picture where u have to search for something and u don't find it. After a while, when you see it, you cannot not-see-it anymore. Once you see it it is just there. This is the same for me. I cannot go back as if i don't have these feelings. As somebody wrote before: even if i would stop seeing my boyfriend, my feelings for him and the fact that i cannot have that would be in between my husband and i.
Somebody asked what was out of balance and what i try to do different now: it has mostly to do with focus. Texting with boyfriend while husband was there, having too much evenings with the boyfriend instead of him, spending much money on the other (other continent, so phonecalls instead of waiting for him to come to skype etc). My husband wants to feel i am realy with him.
Somebody talked about stopping with the boyfriend and opening the mariage for sex. Well, that is not what i want. I want this boyfriend cause i love him deeply. It is more than sex, much more. So, i have no clue if my husband would be willing to open the mariage for sex with others, but since that is not my need, i have no need to discus this with him.
Anyhow, my husband says he wants counseling, but he is clear he doesn't want to give me false hope. He says poly is not his thing, right now.
In the mean time my boyfriend (who doesn't want to be the cause of a divorce) says he is keeping distance. And me, i am so frustrated, hurt and angry that everybody seems to decide for me, instead of with me. Yes, i have tried this poly thing, yes it was mostly because it involved my feelings (they are both mono). That might sound selfish. But one thing, i was always honest. And honesty is not always the most easy path. Honesty is diffecult sometimes, but i never was weak, always i was honest. And the fact that first my husband comes to me with the announcement: i wanted to tell u i decided a while ago i want a divorce, but i want to give you the opportunity to chose. And almost a week later my boyfriend announces: i don't want to cause a divorce, so without telling you i have made plans to take my distance from you.
I am so upset that i lost control, everybody is doing their own thing instead of together. I feel like: who am i kidding? Every relationship, mono or poly, needs honesty and i feel like at this moment i don't get it from both of them. Yes i understand that this is such a diffecult time for them. I understand cause it is just as diffecult for me!
Wauw, poly is not as easy as it sounds for an outsider!