Originally Posted by bookbug
Acquiescing to her husband's ultimatum will not fix the issue and is only likely to drive them even further apart. Run this scenario: she cuts all contact with boyfriend. She is sad. Maybe she can't hide her sadness. So he has what he thinks he wants, but still feels rejected. He becomes even more resentful. Say she can hide her sadness. Not being able to be honest, hiding feelings, the marriage becomes a total sham. She withdraws and becomes resentful.
It would be totally understandable if the husband stated that he had tried and could not do poly, so he was bowing out. But he will gain nothing by coercion.
Absolutely, and that's where compromise comes into play.
Based on Hoyam's previous posts on other threads, I get a very clear sense that she was much more comfortable with being poly than her husband was. I understand the sentiment... my wife was apprehensive about becoming poly. Fortunately for us, we are in a mostly closed cohabitative triad, so we had no choice but to communicate. In a very short time, my wife and Freckles became as close to each other as I am to them. Just tonight I came home from work to find them snuggled up on the couch watching a movie together.
While I'm sure that we don't have the full story, based on what we have I see a husband that was remarkably tolerant to Hoyam's foray into polydom despite having misgivings. He gave it a six month go and decided he is no longer comfortable with it.
The following really sucks, but it IS the harsh reality...
In the case of a long time husband who was lukewarm about being poly to begin with, I would make that relationship the priority. He did something he wasn't comfortable with to make you happy, it didn't work out. If you are unable to find a middle ground and he IS willing to follow through on his threats, you will be crucified by your family and friends and his family and friends. Anyone who doesn't understand our lifestyle will see you as the woman who found a boyfriend and broke up her marriage and upended her kids lives for a new boytoy. Your husband will never be seen as anything but a victim.
In a perfect world, we can live our lives without caring what others think of us, but our world is far from perfect.
Would I be able to follow my own advice?
Jesus... the only thing I can hope is I never have to answer that. Curls and Freckles are my world. I can't see any scenario where things can go that bad, and I hope that I never do. However, I have been married to Curls for fifteen years and we have three daughters. If she told me tomorrow that I had to choose, I would choose her. It would be a horrific decision to make and I would never completely forgive her for putting me in such a position, but we have kids together and we have a very long history together whereas my history with Freckles is comparatively short. I recognize that as our relationship grows and matures, things will become more muddy in this respect, but for right now I would make the hard decision to switch things back to the way they were.
I'm so sorry you are in the position, and I hope that you can pull things through.