You are doing what you can do. Could focus on this work:
I asked my husband to consider new options and while he does that i will prove i can balance more. Since monday (when he told me), i practise that. Also i am so happy that he is willing to go to couples counseling.
and not focus on "losing people" and paralyzing self. Can you list what unbalanced behavior you were doing that led to unhappy? Can you list what balanced behavior you will replace it with?
It will turn out how it does in the end. But if you are doing the work of bringing more balance to what was skewed now that he's made you aware, perhaps then husband can feel less poly hell
about it if he was feeling those kinds of things.
It sounds like he's willing to work with you here on change -- he just doesn't want more of same where his needs were not being met. Can you articulate his needs back to him and he agrees that you "got it?"
What makes you feel "alive" and "passionate" with husband? Just cuz you are married doesn't mean those aspects are lost to you in that relationship. If you both have not been tending that, could do it now.
Hang in there.