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Old 03-08-2014, 01:47 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Took on an extra project at work that has really unbalanced me. It's far more challenging than I thought it would be, and shot my ability to manage my workflow.

Triggered me breaking. Taking time out now. Had planned travel to visit family, but decided to stay home instead and get my head in order.

I have a tendency to push myself to capacity. When I get better at organising myself, or staying well, I can end up simply being more efficient at doing "too much", yet again. Yes, I've changed the shape of things internally, or the way I behave, but then it's as if I level up with those new skills, and use them to feed old patterns.

I guess that's how life and learning cycles are. This is what it means to Not Be Perfect? Wah, but I want to be perfect!!

Grotto and I are back stuck again on my lack of apology, his unhealed hurt, around how Lobe and I hooked up.

Another troubling thing he said was, he's feeling this has affected his friendship with Lobe already, possibly irrevocably. And that he may not be able to be friends with him, at least for a while, if this all goes to shit. Even I took space from both of them.

Ah, dense, dense. Can't go back, gotta go through.

Grotto and I have had some good times recently, and healed a lot. We've figured ways through different ways of speaking and being. We've been able to talk about things that would have been too volatile in the past. I'm somewhat hopeful, somewhat at a loose end.

One thing I'm sure of, is I have to take care of myself, first.

Ocean's proud of me, that I made the hard decision to cancel my travel plans, in favour or some time out for myself. Hey, I'm proud of me too.
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