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Old 03-05-2014, 02:44 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
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Default On Metas...

Well, some updates first:
  • Treadmill is still busted. It was working fine until I cranked the incline up to "8" and it ground to a halt. Oops. Probably need to replace the belt.
  • The race Chops and I want to do in May is $50 to register for nowadays. Boo. Methinks we'll shift our tradition around and find another race to run. It's a GREAT race, but with other places my money's going this year (Disney, Universal Studios with the kids), I've gotta eat ramen, y'know?
  • I am DONE with Winter. That is all I have to say about THAT.

Now, onto the topic at hand...

I met up with Chops and Noa for dinner on Monday - she's really nice, and we had a fun conversation. I think it went really well, and I didn't end up in a teary ball afterward (like I did after the awkward dinner with M2). In fact, she mentioned that maybe she and I could get together sometime, which would be fun, but I know her time is at a premium between her job, her husband, her kids, and dating Chops AND Xena, so I'll let her take the lead on that. Good conversation, everyone got to talk, everyone was engaged and interested, lots of stories on all sides, and some good laughs. And the Random Google Dinner Pick of the night was this teeny-tiny "Authentic Mexican" restaurant about halfway between us... the food was FABULOUS, but the pacing was fast and ambiance was nil, so maybe we'll find something a bit slower-paced for the next time.

All in all, it went smashingly.

In other news...

Over the last couple days, events have transpired that I think really put my finger on why I cannot be close friends with Xena (and why I may still harbor some lingering resentment). I almost reconsidered putting this down in the blog, as I worry that either she or someone she knows may see this, but it's my blog and my space to vent and think things through. Beware all ye who enter here...

I've finally come to the conclusion that it's not that she's deceptive, not that she's dishonest, but she seems to be truly oblivious to how her actions (or lack thereof) impact the people around her. In fact, it's this obliviousness rather than any deviousness on her part that makes it so random and unpredictable (and therefore, even MORE aggravating to me when it happens).

Examples:
  • A while back, when Chops and I were planning to spend our first night together (and were VERY MUCH looking forward to it), it was probably about a week beforehand when Xena dropped the bomb that she had one of the cancer-causing strains of HPV, and had unprotected sex with Chops, exposing him. She'd had it before, assumed it had gone away (!) and had just gotten her pap result back. I'm glad she got her pap before we spent the night, and Chops and I have since worked through that, but GAH... such stress that could have been avoided if we'd known beforehand.
  • Xena's move out to this part of the country (and in with Chops) coincided with my move into a new house (and an emergency "OMG my shower needs to be gutted" project). This happened after she reassured me that she wouldn't be coming until around a month out ("spring at the earliest") and I was caught off-guard and felt abandoned when I needed help. She admitted there was no real need to move when she did, but she didn't feel like staying out there anymore. I acknowledge that her decision to move is her decision to move, but wow, did it make for a difficult couple of weeks...
  • She has a potentially life-threatening nut allergy and seems to be completely resistant to getting an Epi-Pen. Her choice, but it basically puts everyone else around her in a position where they could be responsible for her life if she has an episode (which she did last night and didn't wake Chops up when she got home to tell him). I DO NOT understand this one. At all. Why force the people around you to suddenly have that level of responsibility for your well-being? Chops was pissed that the guy she was on a date with didn't refrain from eating something with walnuts, and I'm wondering why it's HIS responsibility... Sigh.
  • No health insurance, which used to make me wonder if she'd need to "emergency marry" Chops in order to get on his insurance if anything bad happened... at least now with Universal Health Care, that doesn't need to be the case, but it's just one of those things that spark other decisions, or non-decisions, like getting an epi-pen (since you need a prescription).
  • Random, other smaller things that just irk... like putting in a date with Noa on the calendar for the day and time that Chops and I were going to meet with her (in case there was snow and we couldn't make it). I can understand wanting to make alternate plans, but don't make it seem like you can't wait for my plans to fall through. It's like hovering around the coworker who's leaving, so you can snag their office supplies. Wait 'til the ground gets cold, please!

Gah.

The moving thing - I get that it's not her responsibility to worry about MY move. Chops could have told her he couldn't support it all, but felt that he couldn't leave her in the lurch (which he told me as *I* felt left in the lurch, so *that* went over well...). The rest? sometimes I just want to tell her to take her blinders off and see how she's impacting people.

As for the calendar thing, I fired off an email to her when it popped up (shared Google Calendar, so I get notifications when something changes), and I got the "just putting it in so I don't forget!" answer. No apology, but at least some reassurance that my original plan was still priority, which was fine (and was really all I was looking for). I found it strange, though, that she profusely apologized to Chops for it, when he really didn't care (or notice). It just strikes me as odd that she'd apologize to the person who *doesn't* care and not to the person who questioned her about it... but I think I'm reading too much into that one.

Methinks my brain is looking for patterns here, which I'm trying to avoid - I don't want to constantly be critical about her every action, or think the worst of it. Still, when there is a preponderance of this type of thing happening, I'm leery. I don't like how her "head in the sand" behavior sort of popped up as a surprise exposure to HPV, nor do I like that it's making it everyone else's responsibility to protect her life if she makes a nut-allergy mistake (and then getting on a train afterward, where basically, you're trapped if something bad happens!). I'm leery of her decisions at this point, and it makes me just want to stay at arm's length.

sigh.

Getting it out helps. I can't really vent to Chops about this (although he heard my opinion about the Epi-pen and "making it everyone else's responsibility" thing this morning), nor to any of my other friends, since some already consider her the villian anyway ("You don't think she does this on purpose? I do."). I really don't think she's doing any of this maliciously, but jeez...

To be honest, it really doesn't matter if she is or isn't, when you get down to brass tacks. Chops loves her to pieces, and she loves him. I will continue to keep her at arm's length, since that's where I feel most comfortable (and less impacted) at this point. I will continue to be friendly - I do like her, after all - but I won't let my guard down. I haven't anyway, but now at least I've put my finger on why.

And knowing is half the battle.


Edited to add:
If anyone thinks I'm being unreasonable, please feel free to comment... heck, feel free for any reason at all. I know it's a blog thread, but I'm not going to be hyper-sensitive to anyone's comment saying that I'm looking for problems here and need to chill the eff out. I'm definitely open to hearing it, and it may do me some good to see this from someone else's point of view.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 03-05-2014 at 04:13 PM.
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