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Old 03-01-2014, 06:28 PM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 42
Default Every relationship should thrive or fail on its own merit

<rant>
This time I put off working on the "expectations."
He blames ADD
We both agreed, after my insistence, that we would work in it second night of last visit as we had "work" the first night. Second night comes. And I make we shower - he asks what I'd like to do for the evening. Seriously, you don;t remember? No? We agreed we were going to work on our relationship expectations. "Ok."
I make dinner. Time to eat, he turns on a video, except it was an hour video. When it is over, I suggest we set another time to work in it. He was surprised. I reminded him it was an hour until I wanted to go to bed. He seemed shocked that it would take any longer than that. Seriously?
So we finished an article for a newsletter, I tasked him with doing the dinner dishes, reminded him he needed to make his lunch for work, and by the time we got to bed it was 45 min later than I had really wanted to turn in in the first place.
Friday is my early work day (early for me.) I'm NOT a morning person.
He ended up leaving upset and me upset and crying.
Yes, I believe an hour is not enough time to go revamp our expectations document. I also want time to process and relax before going to bed. I understand he had been upset about what he called "punitive" language I had earlier suggest in the expectations - but didn't I immediately remove or revise those when he balked - so why hold that against me now?
He leaned in to kiss me and I pulled away telling him I didn't want a kiss right then. He got upset that it "cut him"
I did have sense to message before he got work, that we were both overly sensitive and understood that neither of us had intended to upset the other.
</rant>

I was grateful for a long workday yesterday.
Being able to come home and collapse into bed without too much time to think about being alone.
This morning we messaged for a few minutes.
He is good with being alone. When he was 7 he had essentially become an only child (older siblings all gone.) I had a very close family, growing up until high school with my brother and an uncle very close in age, and many aunts and cousins. I had a lot of alone time as well, but I was never isolated when I didn't desire.

In this relationship I feel "forced" alone. Forced not the best word or the right one, I know. It is my choice to be "alone" when he is not with me, and i freely make that choice because the alternative is too painful for me to consider - of feeling guilty for treating one partner or another as "less than." I feel that trying to accept be feeling of being less than and forced alone is only choice I can live with and still be "with" him, and this choice is so hard for me I question how long I can maintain it.

Perhaps workable Poly is being willing to be selfish without it feeling selfish.

I never felt selfish living Poly with my ex-hubby, because I never saw where actively having more than one detracted from what he/we shared in any way, and I was very sensitive to ensure that it never would feel that way for him. without my otherlove, I never would have been able to endure those many years with him.

Bottom line still rings true, poly only enabled me to continue trying to salvage the marriage for waay too long. Just because you love someone does not mean you should be married to them or partnered with them.

Every relationship should thrive or fail on its own merit.

I wish I had been wise enough to realize that decades ago with my ex. Even living mono and years of counseling when he was finally able to commit to trying was not enough to save that marriage.

Where does that leave me with P?
Mulling needed.
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