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Old 02-28-2014, 09:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Would you feel happier in the marriage if he would talk to you about your poly side? Not (open up the marriage.) But (open himself up to hearing about that side of you and provide safe emotional space for you to express that all out in)?

If you need more support processing your feelings and want to try counselor again -- bring a copy of this and seek a poly-friendly counselor for yourself. If you cannot express to spouse at this time, perhaps you would feel better being able to express to a poly-friendly counselor.

Quote:
It seems like such a false dilemma to me, the assumption that you can have a happy marriage OR be non-monogamous but that both is unattainable.
You are married to your husband. At this time? You can have a monogamous marriage with him or be non-monogamous without him. It is what it is.

"Happy" is where you find it. If you are unwilling to accept he has no polyship desire at this time, then you probably are not going to be happy with each other in marriage. Pushing his buttons on it is not going to make him EAGER to polyship with you.

You already state you are not happy cheating on him. And at this time you wish to continue the marriage. So could accept your current limitations as part of the price of admission -- at this time there is no polyshipping here.

Quote:
I just wish I could get my head around what it is that seems so impossible to people (including my husband who has tried to express it but it always comes down to "it's just not how it's done")
  • Because not everyone wants to polyship or deal in multiple loves or the intensity that sometimes brings. Just because you want something doesn't mean your partner does.
  • Because resources (human and nonhuman) are limited -- time, money, transportation, etc.
  • Because there's not always easy for people to find role models or resources to learn HOW to relate in polyship well. More than before certainly, but access is another thing. Pitfalls can happen from not being well prepared before leaping. So can poly hell.
  • Because they are not on the same page for what open model relationship they want to practice together or how they agree to be together in it.
  • Because not everyone has the intrapersonal skills or interpersonal skills right off the bat or the willingness to grow them. Being able to see the other guy's POV is a vital interpersonal skill -- one you state you are having trouble with right now.
  • Because people have core beliefs that make polyshipping hard to deal with.
  • Because society is set up to be monoship friendly, not polyship friendly. (ex: tax breaks, custody laws, etc)
  • Because not every set of family/friends/community is supportive or willing to be supportive of the polyshipping persons. (At best, they avoid. In some cases, hello job loss, custody battles over kids, property damage, assault, or hate crimes.)

I think you or others could probably add to the list. It doesn't mean it cannot be done, but like everything else, it comes with a price of admission. HOW it is done will vary for every person. Some people don't want to go there because it is a lot of work, and/or its a price they don't want to pay right now.

Everyone can choose what they are up for and what they are not up for relationship wise. There is nothing wrong with either monoshipping or polyshipping. Your husband is not up for polyshipping at this time. He wants to monoship. Could accept his position at this time, and process your disappointment in appropriate ways.

It's your call really -- what do you value more at this time? Being with him and paying the price of admission (monoshipping) or being free to polyship and paying the price of admission (not be with him romantically)? You state the marriage.

So it's about HOW to be in this marriage then so you can be happy within it.

Back full circle --- if the core thing for you at this time within the marriage is wanting to be understood as having a poly side that wants expression? Could ask him if he's willing to Open up to hearing those things from you if you are willing to be in a Closed marriage. Meet each other half way. See if that serves you both better marriage wise.

It is hard to be married to a partner who doesn't want to know all of you -- or that a whole other side of you exists. Could not pull away from each other -- lean INTO it. Could create the emotional intimacy required so a mono-poly Closed marriage CAN have a shot at "happy."

I could be wrong and totally off base, but that's my suggestion for you for you to consider.

HTH,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-01-2014 at 03:21 AM.
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