View Single Post
  #9  
Old 02-28-2014, 08:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,885
Default

Quote:
GG, two years ago I would have answered all of your bullet point questions with the unhealthy answers. Today, I would say I do know all of those things but I am still learning about them and they are still new skills for me that I have little experience strengthening yet.
Confidence is grown by doing. If these skills are relatively new, it's normal to feel a bit nervous about putting them into action. But you can learn to trust yourself to do it because... you feel nervous but do it anyway!

You can handle this. You are allowed to grow as a person -- and you have grown from wherever you were at before.

Could learn to talk to yourself (intrapersonal communication)more kindly more often to support that growth:

Here you "talk down" calling your stuff "bullshit" --

Quote:
I intentionally didn't edit what I was writing very much because I wanted whatever bullshit was coming out to be responded to. I had a sense that there was something unhealthy with where I was coming from. I didn't want to try hiding it. I wanted to hear what it was.
Could stop calling you and your stuff "bullshit." Feel whatever it is you have to feel, and then let it go without evaluation. Not only is it not attractive to date someone who talks down to themselves, it's not healthy for you to be your own bully. The sentence works just fine without the down talk. See?

"I intentionally didn't edit what I was writing very much because I wanted whatever was coming out to be responded to. I had a sense that there was something unhealthy with where I was coming from. I didn't want to try hiding it. I wanted to hear what it was."

Here you accept yourself in a process of change and talk without evaluation of yourself or your stuff. Just stating where you are at. It is reasonable that a time of chance will take some patience and practice:

Quote:
I guess I am still learning to trust that there are healthy forms of attachment and dependence. Still learning what that looks like. I am attempting to break all my old habits here and that may take some practice and patience.
Could be ok practicing and being patient with yourself without going into "judge myself" mode. Whatever inner critic you have? Could work to give it the boot if it isn't serving you well.

Here you start talking removed, but then come back IN to your own sentence. Blue mine.

Quote:
I think when you (**I **) have trouble trusting yourself (myself), it can be difficult (for me) to believe that someone else does. And my fear of other's self-delusion (due to my own) makes me feel like they will just believe whatever they want anyway. Then I take that guilt on myself when it leads to a painful situation. Just being aware of this helps me to be mindful of it.
So good for you. You caught yourself doing that! Conciously or not -- I don't know. But I lift it up anyway to say kudos.

In the continuum of

selfish (tilted) <---> self-full (balanced) <---> selfless (tilted)

to me it breaks out like this...

"Selfish" is one expecting others to meet one's needs only. Screw their needs. (Take that out to the max of unhealthy and it becomes "narcisissm.")

"Selfless" is one expecting to meet other people's needs. Screw one's own. (Take that to the max of unhealthy and it becomes "co-dependent" and the people involved lose their individuality. No strong sense of self and not meeting their own needs for themselves.)

Both of those sides of the see-saw are not balanced.

The balanced place to me is "self full" in the middle -- where one meets one's needs first, and then helps to meet other people's needs. Not as obligation but as a gift. (Like in an airplane emergency you put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help others. You can't be of any use otherwise.)

Maybe you are seeking to build healthy "interdependence" rather than "codependence." Maybe seeking to build something else -- like an independent model. Open model relationships can come in many ways and it's all DIY for the people in them to create what they like best for themselves.

But you are right in that you have to know your own self first though. You can't articulate your wants, needs and limits to another person if you don't even know what they are.

Could do your side of that job and trust them to do their side -- to know themselves, and to articulate their wants, needs, and limits to you.

You cannot be a mind reader. It's ok to ask them where they stand -- but BELIEVE them when they tell you. You are either willing to risk believing them and build up new trust or not.

Unless they are in the habit of lying, and you've experienced that? Not believing people is a great way to never get trust building up off the ground. Trust them not to hurt you and trust you to handle whatever it is that may come. Even a break up doesn't have to be "automatic doom."

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-28-2014 at 09:03 PM.
Reply With Quote